Conditional Forgiveness

Ravi Zacharias, in his and Vince Vitale’s 2017 book, Jesus Among Secular Gods, describes how the attitude that “forgiveness is only for those who deserve it” is incompatible with Jesus Christ.

I am thinking deeply about this: about the conditions I put on forgiveness, and the conditions others may put on whether or not they forgive me.

It is fascinating to discern the many layers, often subconscious, of forgiveness.

We may intellectually forgive someone, adamant that we “hold no grudge.” But our actions tell another story.

We may withhold forgiveness because we feel a person is undeserving:

Perhaps they have not “properly” apologized;

perhaps they have not apologized at all;

perhaps we are upset that they are not mind-readers and thus appear to be unaware of our being offended;

perhaps they have denied any wrongdoing;

perhaps they do not want to or cannot apologize;

perhaps they blame us for the infraction and see no need to be held accountable.

We may deem institutions, politicians, leaders and political parties unworthy of forgiveness. We may in fact see forgiveness in this case as being traitorous to our cause, incompatible with our sense of justice, or an infringement on our self-righteousness.

We may ignore any signs of regenerative maturity from another person because our wounded pride wants to continue to believe they are still the rotten person they were days, weeks, or years ago when they were steeped in their own dysfunction. And so we don't forgive.

And even if we concede someone has changed for the better, and their actions are conciliatory, we hold onto the past infraction forever, basically “paying them back for what they did to us” within a mindset of unforgiveness.

Many of us have, or currently are, practicing this withholding of forgiveness, all the while paying lip service, on social media and in other areas of our lives, to kumbaya, love and world peace, and “being the change.”

Very few of us ever get to the place where I believe Ebenezer Scrooge’s nephew, Fred, in the story, A Christmas Carol, was: unconditionally loving his abusive, curt and hurtful uncle while keeping the door of forgiveness open, whether Uncle Scrooge walked through it or not.

Note that Fred did not love the abuse, the curtness or the hurt it caused, but he loved the man in bondage to it by maintaining a forgiving heart and mind.

This nephew was able to practice daily compassion for his uncle by not taking the uncle’s gruffness personal; a very difficult, very mature stance.

Fred did not read into the attitudes and actions of his uncle, but instead separated himself from his uncle’s outworking of inner fears and hardness of heart. The nephew was loyal to the uncle, not to the uncle’s behaviors.

Fred was patient in letting Scrooge work out his demons, and did not punish him once that battle was won. In fact, Fred celebrated with Scrooge in his victory, letting all the bygones melt away.

It is a wonderful turning point to be able to emerge out of, logically and emotionally, our own unforgiveness with all its qualifiers, and to separate one’s self logically and emotionally from the unforgiveness of others. 

It is the ultimate freedom to detach from what has been and what may yet continue that is out of our control, and attach instead to what is in Christ.

copyright Barb Harwood

“But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:7-14

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

Tired of Being a Bad Actor in a Lousy Play?

In the book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, the author Stephen R. Covey talks about each person’s script and autobiography, and how what has transpired for us and molded us in the past doesn’t have to continue to be our reality going forward.

Another author I recently read put it this way: the way we were raised may provide reasons for how we are today, but not excuses. Covey’s book is all about how each person can choose to change and write a new script, and in fact, must make that choice in order for a new script to replace the old.

For those of us who have accepted Christ, our new script is Christ. He is writing our autobiography now. And to the extent that we cooperate with His process is the extent to which we free ourselves from the insanity of trying to do things over and over again the same way but expecting different results.

Christ’s script is to be my only script, and who I am in Him to be my only autobiography.

This must become a discipline, empowered by His Holy Spirit reminding me every second of every day until I no longer need to be reminded quite as often because I am, without even thinking, living this new script. It has become who I am in Christ and Christ in me.

copyright Barb Harwood

“God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.”

1 Corinthians 1:9

“but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.

Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.” 1 Corinthians 1:24-30

Joy and Gratitude Begin Today

Joy and gratitude: which comes first?

If I am intent on joy with all people and in all circumstances, then I will look for and observe—in essence learn—what I am grateful for.

If I am intent on gratitude, using every opportunity to be thankful instead of its opposite, joy will result.

I don’t honestly know which comes first. They are interchangeable, perhaps inseparable.

Both joy and gratefulness require a paradigm shift off of ourselves so that we can actually listen to, hear, and see those around us and their circumstances and perspective.

We can stop focusing on “what have you done for me lately” to “look at what you’ve done for me in the past” or “look at what you actually are doing for me lately but I failed to notice because I was fixated on a void that I was expecting you to fill.”

Gratitude and joy complete life's picture and once we see it in its entirety, we can repent that we didn’t see it in its wholeness before: that it was tainted by our own selfishness and regard for our self.

After we have reconciled this warped view on our part, we are able to live in reconciliation with others. 

We live reconciled when we abide in a joy-gratitude attitude that keeps our conscience clear with God, regardless of how (or if) our joy and gratitude is received or accepted by others.

We keep-on keepin-on in joy and gratitude because that is what breeds more joy and gratitude, and it’s what, in the end, pleases God.

Now, I’m not talking about a manufactured fake "look-at-me" act. I’m not talking about false flattery, which Scripture does not condone. I’m talking about a humble, genuine, sincere projection of honest gratitude born out of seeking God’s perspective and guidance.

I’m also not advocating hiding pain or sorrow, or avoiding hard discussions when they are called for. Because, as Scripture points out, we can have joy even in the difficulties of life. But knowing that we are to have joy even in those times will enable us to get through them and to perhaps one day be grateful for what came out of the trial.

I do believe that this living out of joy and gratitude has the potential to elicit deeper discussions with others and within ourselves as we let go of resentment, freeing ourselves into more loving relationships.

Now, as with any initial modification in our person, people may look at us funny; we may feel sheepish.

“Where have these words and actions of gratitude come from?” they might ask.

“Why is this person so at peace, and filled with such quiet, and sometimes exuberant, joy?”

Just stay the course.

I believe each new day is the beginning: so I don’t put much stock in the commencing of the New Year as being anything particularly special, other than a symbolic “starting over.” However, adding joy and gratitude does not require “starting over.” It simply means we continue on in the increasing integrity that God has been building in us since the day He adopted us.

We either intentionally incorporate these two elements into our lives as part of a continual spiritual, mental and emotional maturing process, or we don’t. It’s simply the next step in the ongoing journey: joy and gratitude are attributes we choose to pick up and own as we walk with God, as He teaches us to do so.

We may kick our selves and wonder why we didn’t, or couldn’t, do it sooner. But the main thing is to be thankful and joyful that we are doing it now. And a day will come when we won’t be able to comprehend how we ever got through life without them.

copyright Barb Harwood

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

The Joy

The joy in acknowledging, owning up to and being forgiven of my sin.

The joy in being free of the past because of the above.

The joy of regeneration because of the above.

The joy in knowing that there are consequences to sin, but the sin that caused those consequences no longer holds sway.

The joy in knowing I can handle the consequences because God handles them with me.

The joy that God can redeem what has been lost to sin.

The joy in knowing that all I can do is love others—not make them love me—and that is enough.

The joy in knowing that not everyone can, or will, love, and to have empathy for them, being grateful for those who do, along with God.

The joy of God’s peace regarding any one person so I don’t hold their inability to love or relate against them.

The joy of being able to process all the points of my journey, humbly rejoicing in how far I’ve come, understanding that many others are at one of those same points in their journey, so as to have patience.

The joy of God’s teaching compassion that I was incapable of, love that I didn't feel or understand, forgiveness that I could not begin to fathom, and patience that I am only now putting into practice.

The joy of daily conversations with the Father.

The joy of God’s affirmation as His child, loved always.

The joy of dying to self so that I can enjoy others, including myself.

The joy of Christ, who, when He took all the damage collected by me and the damage I’ve generated, upon Himself, freed me to go forth in a process of maturing renewal and rebirth.

The joy of waking up each day, first thanking God while my head is still upon the pillow that I am alive, and then rising to meet the circumstances of life in the company of the Triune God of Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

The joy of it all: this indescribable, unfathomable and wondrous life in Christ.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:2-5

“Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—” Psalm 103:1-2

Linus explains the true meaning of Christmas

Christmas Joy

"The joy of God has gone through the poverty of the manger and the distress of the cross; therefore it is invincible and irrefutable." 
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, God is in the Manger


"Somehow, not only for Christmas, 
But all the long year through, 
The joy that you give to others, 
Is the joy that comes back to you."
John Greenleaf Whittier, from the poem, Somehow, Not Only for Christmas


"But peaceful was the night
Wherein the Prince of Light
His reign of peace upon the earth began.
The winds, with wonder whist, 
Smoothly the waters kissed,
Whispering new joys to the mild Ocean,
Who now hath quite forgot to rave.
While birds of calm sit brooding on the charmed wave."
John Milton, from the poem On the Morning of Christ's Nativity


"Joy to the world, the Lord is come!
Let earth receive her King;
Let every heart prepare Him room,
And heaven and nature sing..."
Isaac Watts


"Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth,
burst into jubilant song with music;
make music to the LORD with the harp,
with the harp and the sound of singing, 
with trumpets and the blast of the ram's horn--
shout for joy before the LORD, the King.

Let the sea resound, and everything in it,
the world, and all who live in it.
Let the rivers clap their hands,
let the mountains sing together for joy;
let them sing before the LORD,
for he comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the earth in righteousness
and the peoples with equity." 
Psalm 98:4-9

This Too, Is Joy

"Then Job replied to the LORD:"

"I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know."

"You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.'
My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you;
Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes." 
                                               Job 42:1-6



"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." Psalm 51:12

"Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you." Psalm 86:4

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy." Psalm 94:19

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness." 
                                             Lamentations 3:22-23