We hear and talk so much about forgiveness.
The actuality of arriving at that place, however, is so unique to each one of us due to the specific attributes of each person and situation that it is often tough to define.
The only way to really forgive, is to just begin to want to, and then to actively do so, in all sobering thought that considers our role too, whatever that may look like from the perspective of naiveté, family culture, personal meekness, being bullied or made fun of, and our own hurtful acted-out animosities.
But once we have done the work—and by that I mean with God’s leadership so as to maintain a semblance of objectivity instead of a closed-minded path of “woe is me"—then we move on.
And by that, I mean we at some point close the door on the past, and let the new owners move in.
And those new owners are this: our transformed attitude and resulting confidence that the sincerely desired and honestly attained forgiveness can now be lived out.
We can thrive in this hard-won forgiveness by accepting and allowing those we have forgiven to be who they are, and the past be what it was (meaning we can’t change it, so don’t forgive and then attempt to change things going forward).
Again, this assumes we have actually done the mental assent of forgiveness through logically and objectively examining ourselves, others and the past under the microscope of God’s guidance and revelation.
This forgiveness does not need to condone anything or anyone, and it does not give permission to the past or the persons we have forgiven to continue to impact or touch us.
Instead, in a forgiving, accepting manner, we have no part in the people or places we have confidently put behind us via forgiveness (for family members or co-workers with whom we must continue to be around, we separate ourselves with appropriate emotional and mental boundaries, and keep a cordial physical distance between us, bowing to no pressure whatsoever to reveal personal details or to “join in” and place ourselves in their control).
We meet our own expectations for our own behavior, not other people's expectations. And we drop our expectations for others to be what they clearly are not and have no intention, at this time, of being.
Neutral impartiality is our new normal with those we have forgiven when we must be in their presence.
We simply live and let live, in a fresh paradigm of healthy guardrails, under no illusions that any continued attempts on our part to change another person or situation will solve anything.
If the person we have forgiven chooses, at some future point in time, to mature, that is up to them.
If they desire a sincere reconciliation and exhibit a contrite heart of apology—we decide whether their motivations are honest and humble, or mere manipulation to pull us back in to assuage their insecurities.
As The Who song goes, “don’t be fooled again.”
A forgiving state of mind establishes us in steadfast wisdom and strength of unwavering integrity and self-respect.
We focus on, invest in and come alive with the joy of appreciation for those with whom we do remain grounded in reciprocal, authentic love and compatibility, all the while at peace with those we have taken deliberate steps to contextually understand and thus, forgive.
Copyright Barb Harwood
