There’s a children’s book I used to read to my sons called “Going on a Bear Hunt.” It tells the story of an imaginary bear hunt and the obstacles along the way. Be it “long, wavy grass,” “a deep, cold river,” or “thick, oozy mud,” the mantra of the story is “We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh, no! We’ve got to go through it!” There are no shortcuts through the pain of life events, nor should there be.
Next week, a close friend will go through the same thing I went through a year ago. Just as she was there for me, I am there for her now, reading her tear-filled emails and ready to meet with her for coffee after she drops her son off at college. I’ll meet with her, not to make her feel better, as I know I can’t. But to sit smack dab in the middle of her pain with her, listen, commiserate and support her in our mutual belief that the only way out of this feeling is through it.
The world never wants us to be sad, and pharmaceutical companies make a lot of money telling us we don’t ever have to be sad. But sadness is just as much a part of life today as it was for David. And David lived in and got through the pain (I don’t want to say “embrace” because that makes it sound as if our sadness should be glorified and that we can somehow gracefully waltz through our pain in a Zen-like obliviousness. I did not embrace my pain a year ago and wearing sunglasses around the clock to hide blood shot, puffy eyes and sniveling over dirty socks was not graceful.)
Crying out to God, in silence or in real words, is where Grace comes in: His grace. At the feet of His Grace is where we fall disheartened. That’s where we scratch out an existence in the wee hours of our pain. In His Son, Spirit, Word, power, strength and perseverance we come out on the other side.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
You may have noticed a plant, Queen Anne’s Lace, in bloom along roadways. It’s a “flower” I initially allowed grow in my yard because it was pretty. I even thought it to be a native Wisconsin prairie plant. Now, nine years later, this once beguiling plant is cropping up everywhere; seedlings are spreading throughout the lawn and encroach the perennial beds where they quickly dominate, choking out other plants. I realize--too late—that I’ve created a monster.
Queen Anne’s Lace is like sin. I’m not talking about the sin that we see as sin right off the bat, like abusing alcohol and drugs, cheating, lying and murder. If Queen Anne’s Lace looked like those things, I would never have allowed it in my yard. I’m talking about sin that initially looks innocent enough (of course no sin is ever innocent) but which, over time and completely unbeknownst to us, becomes progressively ingrained.
I’m talking specifically about the sin of the tongue. We all know that any sentence beginning with “Did you hear about the Smiths…?” is one we should quickly put a stop to (even though we often don’t). But there’s more to sinning with the tongue than over-the-fence gossip. I’m talking about a subtler but equally damaging kind of talk.
For example, there’s the gossip we initiate when we go to five different people with a problem we’re having with another person, but we never go to the actual person we’re having the problem with! Or the gossip that performs character assassination on someone or an institution we disagree with: our justification being that they are immoral, unfair, wrong, our boss, Democrats, Tea Party Members—you fill in the blank.
Then there is exaggeration, where we make ourselves, an experience or another person to be worse or better than we, it, or they actually are. For instance, we downplay our habit of always being late, attribute our proverbial workplace struggles to inept co-workers, and blow every comment of Aunt Emma’s completely out of proportion. The causes of exaggeration are many: a critical spirit, a desire to believe what we want to believe, a too-thin or too-thick skin, an animosity or perceived wrong with Aunt Emma, jealousy, sour grapes, and a penchant for drama.
Many of us never see these forms of speech as gossip, much less sin, because they are so easily disguised as self-righteousness. We feel justified in our attitudes and thoughts and the words that rise out them. They feel right because they make us feel better without our having to change anything on our end.
Queen Anne’s Lace, the Native Wisconsin Prairie Guide tells me, is a weed. And my Guide, the Holy Spirit, tells me that there are things I was justifying as righteousness which are actually sin. So while I’m taking the shovel to my yard and digging out the plant invaders, I’m taking the Bible to my sin and memorizing Scripture that directly addresses the temptations that plague me (Jesus fought the Devil in the wilderness with Scripture. Luke 4:1-13). I’m asking God in prayer to rid me of destructive tendencies. And I repent when I allow revealed sin to re-seed and grow again, and I submit to God once more for strength. In short, I am asking God for His righteousness to replace my self-righteousness.
“Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.” Psalm 34:13
“For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin. The words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful; he has ceased to be wise and to do good.” Psalm 36:2-3
“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.” James 3:9-10
“The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person…” James 3:6
“He said to them, ‘You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God’s sight.’” Luke 16:15
“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” James 4:7-9
One month from now my husband and I will celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary. But Biblically, we've been married for ten years, since for the first 17 years neither of us were Christians. Yes, we were married in a church. I even picked out the Bible verses to be read (I was not a Bible reader. I picked out some of the more poetic verses, most of which were ultimately nixed by the pastor).
After our sons were born, we went through the motions of infant baptism, and I volunteered as a Sunday school teacher. But the whole time, I did not know Jesus Christ. Church, I always tell people, was more like belonging to the Jaycees or Elk's club. It was my adult version of Girl Scouts and it was a "duty" I did not particularly enjoy carrying out. Sunday mornings were usually the most stressful of the week. My husband chose to simply opt out, adding to the angst.
The point is, on the surface we looked like a "religious" family. On the surface, our marriage didn't look that much different than any other secular marriage. It operated from the worldly standard of seeking personal "happiness" through a spouse and status. When things went wrong, there was resentment. To deal with resentment, there was substance abuse. And all of it was a result of worldly immaturity.
And then, through the workings of God too numerous to go into here, we both became Christians within a year of each other and, along with our individual re-birth, came a re-birth of our marriage (and our parenting and family as well). See, we didn't know what was wrong with us or our marriage until God showed us what was wrong.
The following words by T.M. Moore beautifully capture how our marriage was transformed by God from a secular, sinful and prideful thing into something that brings peace beyond all understanding:
"Dare we look to the Bible to teach us the measure of a marriage? Of course we should, at least, if we want our lives to be informed and guided by a biblical worldview.
According to the Bible, marriage is the oldest human institution, divinely established for the purpose of bringing an eternal economy and all its benefits to earth. God’s purpose in establishing marriage was threefold: (1) that people should enjoy the benefits of intimate social communion; (2) that offspring should be provided for expanding the divine economy; and (3) that the earth should know the developmental benefits of human interaction coram deo. It was not good for man to be alone; the measure of a marriage is the extent to which it brings friendship, companionship, comfort, and security to a man and a woman, and stability to the children they produce and the society of which they are members. Married couples are to be fruitful and multiply, to reproduce people like themselves who know and honor God and are committed to taking their place in the divine economy. A marriage succeeds when, through the children it produces and the other people it influences, it makes a contribution to expanding the ranks of faithful kingdom citizens. Together married folk are called to interact with the creation—through work, stewardship of property and wealth, and recreation—in order to bring more of God’s goodness, beauty, and productivity into being. The measure of a marriage is the degree to which it succeeds in helping each participant to maximize his or her contribution to the expanding economy of divine blessing.
These three objectives—interpersonal, social, and cultural—can be achieved only where a relationship with God is fostered and encouraged. For only God can enable married couples to look beyond mere self-interest or short-term economic and emotional satisfaction to the larger objectives and divine purposes of bringing the goodness and glory of God to light as far and wide as possible. The biblical view of marriage requires the kind of selflessness and sacrificial giving that can only be sustained for many years when each participant has come to know the One whose own selfless sacrifice points the way, fuels the desire, and empowers the ability to love as He does. Marriage succeeds to the extent that it maintains focus on Jesus Christ and the divine order He is instituting. Only thus can marriage overcome the shallowness and pettiness of mere self-interest, and the self-serving and expedient siren voices of relativism, and engage its participants—husbands, wives, children, extended family, neighbors, friends, associates—in the eternal drama of the unfolding kingdom of God." T. M. Moore on the Breakpoint website
My encouragement to anyone reading this today who is struggling in their marriage is to take you, your spouse and your marriage to Jesus and lay it at His feet. If you're not born again in Christ, begin there. It was the change my husband saw in me that led him to seek God for himself, and which then led both of us to seek God for our marriage. Is our marriage perfect today? No, just like anyone born again in Christ is not perfect either. But it is a marriage that operates God's way, thereby filling it with joy, patience, love, other-centeredness and the ability to forgive and move on. The substance abuse is gone, the pride has been and continues to be convicted, and the petty neediness has been replaced with gratitude to God. The Lord is doing in our marriage exactly what He said in Isaiah 61:3: "to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."
In short, Biblical marriages are "oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:3
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
I was reading Jeremiah 34 the other day; how the people of Israel made a promise before God to free their slaves. They freed them, but later decided to take them back as their slaves again. God, seeing this, tells the people through the Prophet Jeremiah that, since they have not provided freedom to their slaves as they proclaimed, He is giving them freedom to “fall by the sword…” I guess if we’re looking for a terrific accountability verse, this is it!
In Jeremiah 34, I see proof that there is free will: we are free to chose to either be in God’s will or our own or someone else’s will. God promises to guide and lead us if we let Him, but ultimately, we act on that guidance and leading or we don’t. And when the folks in Jeremiah 34 decide to initially obey God, but then change their minds, He holds them accountable. Just as God gives them liberty to live in His blessing, He also gives them liberty to break promises and live outside of His blessing.
Many people today focus on a forgiving God only and miss this point completely. God is a forgiving God, as the Old Testament proves over and over again. But He also lets people skin their knees a few times. To allow us to “fall by the sword” doesn’t mean God isn’t forgiving. It means there are consequences to our disobedience. Those consequences can be in the form of broken relationships, poor health, lost jobs, inner guilt, or just a lackluster and unfruitful faith life.
God puts such a high priority on covenant in His Word, we are foolish if we think He is going to take any promise we make lightly, or not hold us to it. That is why Jesus tells us to count the cost before we follow Him: because He will hold us accountable to the Christian life we profess (Luke 14:28). He will forgive us every time we repent, but forgiveness is not the same as accountability.
Our nation celebrates many freedoms on July 4th. But every day is a day of liberty with God: the liberty to follow Him seriously, or the liberty to seriously deny Him and pay the consequences. And as much as it can sting to be held accountable by God, it always leads to more freedom from the bondage to sin.
“Therefore, this is what the Lord says: You have not obeyed me; you have not proclaimed freedom for your fellow countrymen. So I now proclaim ‘freedom’ for you, declares the Lord—‘freedom’ to fall by the sword, plague and famine.” Jeremiah 34:17
“And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’“ Luke 14:27-30
