Gossip as Idol

Did you know that I once lived in Chicago or that I got a “new and very important job” or that my 21-year-old son bought a house? No? Well, neither did I! Because these statements, though completely untrue, were presented to me as fact by people who had heard it through the grapevine.

And try to refute such things! I’m the “horses mouth” and when I say, “No, I have never lived in Chicago,” those supposedly “in the know” respond as if I’m lying! Their neighbors, family members and Facebook seem to hold more credibility than me, who really should know whether or not I ever lived in Chicago, had an “important” job or could now visit my son (who will first need to pay off his student loan and secure employment, go figure) in his new house!

So how do these rumors start, and why such credibility attached to them? It’s like when the Bible talks about wolves in sheep’s clothing coming into the church to bring a slightly—or not so slightly—different truth than the apostles taught. These people seem knowledgeable, often pose as being “concerned,” and speak so convincingly! And they do it out of a desire to take any scrap or portion of their own “understanding” and run with it to feed their self-esteem and need to be noticed.

I know about gossip. Before being saved out of the mire of darkness, I licked my lips for gossip right along with the next person. There was an importance and status that came with being “in the know” and drama and attention that came with that. Not only was it great to be the bearer of any kind of tidbit, it was then an opportunity to sit around and ignorantly and at length discuss that tidbit. The funny thing is, I thought I was a good person and that my mindless bloviating made the world a better place. In reality, though, what was happening was that I was craving significance and superiority.

Even if I felt a twinge of guilt about my conversations, I couldn’t stop. Like a package of Oreo cookies where the good and healthy person is convinced they can eat just one, only to find 30 minutes later that they’ve consumed the entire first row, gossip is nearly impossible to resist once we’ve gotten a taste.

“The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts” (Proverbs 18:8). 

The key is to not desire the Oreos in the first place; likewise with gossip.

And that’s where Jesus comes in. Twelve years ago He began a long and arduous work on my heart, which continues to this day. Of all the sins He has had victory over in my life, including drinking, frustration, needing to control, woman’s liberation worldview and New Ageism, just to name a few, the fleshly worldly sin of the tongue has been the most difficult. James affirms this when he writes: 

“Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go” (James 3:4).

To bask in the victory over other sins but not allow the Holy Spirit to tame our tongue is to taint, pretty much, every aspect of our walk with Jesus Christ. Like a ship needs a pilot to control the rudder, we need the Holy Spirit to steer our tongue.

How do we begin this transformation to being led by the Spirit? Well, one way is to no longer spend time with people who gossip. Just like I needed to stay away from alcohol and places with alcohol before I actually desired to stay away from alcohol, we can stay away from places of gossip-temptation while God creates in us a desire to not gossip (and He does that when we ask him for a desire to not gossip and then go to the Word and prayer). Only then can we begin to stand firm in Him instead of in the world.

I am beginning to let God test me with people who inevitably will say something negative and mean-spirited about someone, or will share someone else’s news instead of letting that person share their own news. I have verses in my head to guide me and keep me from slipping, and pre-planned statements so that I do not engage in the babbling. These situations always make my heart race, probably because it truly is a form of spiritual warfare. If Satan can make us slip with our tongue, it proves that our hearts are not with God and it blocks others’ glimpse of God in us.

I must also let God test me in my own thought life, to see if I can refrain from being the originator of gossip and general editorializing. It’s a discipline I cannot accomplish without a constant engaging of the Holy Spirit, along with daily prayer and Bible.

And the Bible verses on speech are endless! The two that convict and encourage me the most are:

“Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.” Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, “See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.” Isaiah 6:5-7

And: 

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.” James 3:9-10

God hears everything even before we speak it. Sobering. We must begin with our hearts. James 1:5 says:

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” 

Wisdom is a heart issue and will replace idle talk; wipe it off the map! As born again believers, God’s wisdom is where we must desire to live. And when we do, by His grace he’ll get us there.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.” Proverbs 4:23-24

“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.” Proverbs 11:13

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18

“A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.” Proverbs 16:28

“Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.” Proverbs 26:20

“But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’ For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.” Matthew 15:18-19

“We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies.” 2 Thessalonians 3:11

“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.” Luke 6:45

Entitlement as Idol

This past weekend I turned 50 years old, and only by the Grace of God. I say that because many people resent growing old instead of seeing it as Grace. They resent growing old, I believe, out of a sense of entitlement to staying young. People feel entitled to not age in years.

But as a born again believer in the triune God of Father, Son and Holy Spirit, I understand that there is no room for entitlement in any aspect of my walk with God and under His authority and in the saving work of His Son on the Cross.

John MacArthur, in a sermon that you can access for free on his Grace to You website, writes,

“…some of the imagery that's used of salvation is, one, that we're born again; and two, that we've been resurrected. And how many dead people caused their own resurrection? And how many babies, before they were conceived, did something to lead to their birth? The answer is absolutely nothing.” John MacArthur, Sermon BRG-90-20

We are not here because we brought ourselves here out of our own volition. Therefore, we are entitled to nothing. Every day, every hour, is a gift of God. Why would I resent growing older when each day is a gift of the Lord, and for His purpose and glory? (plug in anything one feels entitled to: blond hair when we have brunette; a 3,000 square-foot-home when we have only a 1,500 square-foot-home; a new car vs. old; a leadership position vs. a secondary role; a man’s life vs. that of a woman’s; a woman’s life vs. that of a man’s, etc. etc. etc.)

I am not my own, I was bought at a price (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Not only did God hold me in His creation before the creation of the world (Ephesians 1:4) but once here, my gift of life, re-birth and days—not entitlement of life, re-birth and days—is of God and the saving work of Jesus on the Cross. God created me and Jesus His Son gave Himself for and to me, and I am now to give myself for and to Him in every thought, motivation, word and act. I am not entitled to go about in resentment arising from an idol of entitlement!

Yet many people do go about in that sense of entitlement, and miss the point of God, Christ and the Holy Spirit completely.

I thank God for the 50 years he has given me, and for the last 12 in which I have had the privilege of living in His kingdom on earth. I know that each day brings me closer to my true home, with Him in heaven. Until that day, God alone is entitled to my life: God--the one who sees me as the apple of His eye (Psalm 17:8) and who “created my inmost being” and who “knit me together in my mother’s womb” (Psalm 139:13).

All sense of entitlement is removed as “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:14-16).

“Show me, O Lord, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man’s life is but a breath. Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro: He bustles about, but only in vain; he heaps up wealth, not knowing who will get it.” Psalm 39:4-6

“But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.” Psalm 39:7

“Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us, no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.” Psalm 40:4-5

“For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.” Romans 14:7-8

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God…” Galatians 2:20-21

The Desire for What He has Already Given Us

I realized this morning that I spend a lot of time praying for things God has already given me. I pray for patience, love for others, compassion, discernment. Or I pray He would remove a character trait or behavior. But this morning I realized that I’ve missed the point of 2 Peter 1:3-4: 

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.”

Truly amazing! God has given us everything we need for godliness. Yet when we look at the end of the passage we see a disconnect: and that is evil desires. It isn't the qualities of God that are lacking, it is our desire for them.

It almost knocked me off my chair when I realized that I don’t need to be praying that God will remove a critical spirit from my life, or disorganization or jealousy or whatever it is any of us prays for God to eradicate. What I need to pray for is the desire to not be critical and the desire to be organized. I can pray all day long for God to remove a critical spirit from my life, but if I don’t truly desire for it to be removed, it won’t be removed! And the reason we don’t desire a particular sin to be removed is because we are still somehow enamored with it. We still desire it’s presence more than we desire its absence! Our corruption remains due to our evil desires.

It’s like a little boy praying that God would clean his room, even though the child doesn’t really desire a clean room. He may be praying for a clean room to get his parents off his back, or because his friend is coming over, or because he just knows that a clean room is what good children should have. But the child really doesn’t desire a clean room. 

When it comes to sin, we may be praying for a sin like gossip to be removed, but secretly clinging to our warped love of that sin. We may pray for gossip to be removed because we know it’s wrong, or because we feel guilty after wards, or because we want to be more like so and so who never says a bad word about anyone! But until we truly pray out of a pure desire to not gossip--meaning that our desire is to line up with God's desires--that sin will most likely remain.

2 Peter tells us that God has given us “everything” for godliness. In 2 Peter 1:5-7 we read that we are to add to our faith "goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.” 

God has given us these qualities as a baseline, if you will. Only He can activate and increase them in us when it is our desire that He do so.

So my prayer this morning is not for God’s grace, mercy, truth, compassion, etc. My prayer is for the desire to live in the mercy, truth, compassion, wisdom, discernment, and love that He has already put inside of me, and to do so in increasing measure. I thank God for the fruits of His Spirit that I have only today fully realized already live in me; that He has so generously promised and provided everything I need to be in His will in all areas of life.

“So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature.” Galatians 5:16-17

“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.” Galatians 5:24-25

“I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.” Psalm 40:8

Ignorance as Idol

I always find it interesting, if not slightly amusing, when the people who most consider themselves to be open-minded choose to remain ignorant in certain strains of life. Often, the more they feed themselves information based on their presuppositions, the more open minded they believe they are becoming. Yet they often do not have any tangible learning, exposure to or experience in the things that go against their presuppositions. To avoid the discomfort that going against un-checked presuppositions instills, they often stay on their “open-minded” side of the tracks, discounting--without a reasoned consideration--what lies on the other side.

Take, for example, one of the most contentious topics: Darwin’s theory of evolution. I was "taught" it. You were probably "taught" it too. But have I ever read his On the Origin of Species? Have you? Yet many people, myself included at one time, without equivocation stand on evolution, not having ever read Darwin's book or other books by scientists offering additional or opposing views. I’m not going to get into a debate on evolution. I chose that topic because it is such a beautiful and clear illustration of how we idolize, at times, our own ignorance.

Open-minded people usually claim their minds are open to all ideas, perspectives, philosophies and ways of life. But what this open-mindedness often amounts to is a veiled closed-mindedness. I once asked a friend, a person I know very well and have a relationship with, if I, a born again Christian, would be welcome at his “open to all” Unitarian church. To his credit, he answered honestly, “No, you would not.” Yet he is the most “open-minded” person I know, in the “not-checking-your presuppositions-at-the-door” sort of way.

Yet I understand it, because for many years I walked in pride of my open-mindedness, while in actuality my mind was closed tight around me: my ideas, my experience, my high regard for myself and my posing as an expert on that which I knew nothing about. In utter and complete ignorance, my faith was in, and my worldview emanated from, me. I determined everything!

The other arena in which ignorance is common but which those who operate in it would vehemently deny it is politics. People will profess with their mouths that they love everyone, yet spend much of their time and energy on Facebook and at the water cooler character-assassinating either Obama or Romney or “all liberals” or “all conservatives.” They have never met Obama or Romney: never sat down with either of their wives or mothers or children and never gotten to know these fellows who are exposing themselves to excruciating examination and expected to be perfect. Many voters don’t take the time to look up the political record and accomplishments of the candidates or to research their positive accomplishments. It’s easy to lambast what we remain ignorant about and, from a distance, to treat people as inanimate objects.

Another area where ignorance reigns as idol is gossip. Like cancer does gossip flow, person-to-person, cutting off oxygen to truth and understanding only to feed a sinister delight for the death and destruction of another’s character. We feed ignorance with our insatiable appetite to possess and disseminate information, even if it’s not-quite-right. 

So we see that ignorance is certainly not bliss (another presupposition we can throw out the window). Rather, ignorance is that inexplicable discomfort we feel when we think we’re right but not wholly sure, but go forward in certain uncertainty because pride demands it. We attempt to boost the self-esteem that other’s presuppositions have told us we need by demanding our right to be right, albeit mis or uninformed. In other instances, ignorance is bred by our thirst for having an enemy. We love to be the knight in shining armor against something.  And if we can’t find anything real to be ignorantly against, we just go along believing that what we’ve been told is our enemy, is our enemy.

Television talk show host Dick Cavett said, 

“It’s a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn’t want to hear.”

I would add that it is a rare person who wants to hear what he thinks he doesn’t want to hear. The idol of ignorance is fed by unchecked presuppositions. Checking presuppositions means checking what we think we think first, and then checking what it is we want to think, and why. Only then can we begin to figure out and take thoughtful steps towards what it is we really think. Real understanding (note I didn’t say agreement) begins where presuppositions end. We may not agree, but then again, we may agree, and surprise ourselves at that!

“The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.” Proverbs 15:14

“A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.” Proverbs 18: 2

“He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe.” Proverbs 28:26

“…my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.” Hosea 4:6

Wanting to be Like the World

I’m reading through 1 Samuel and found the passage in chapter 8, where the people ask Samuel to give them a king, fascinating. After a time of appointed judges, and after losing patience with the current judges Joel and Abijah--who “turned aside after dishonest gain and accepted bribes and perverted justice,”--the people tell Samuel, the previous judge, “Appoint a king to lead us, such as all the other nations have.”

Samuel did not appreciate this idea, so he turned to the Lord for consult. Listen to what God says to Samuel, and see if it doesn’t sound familiar in our day: God said to Samuel: 

“Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king. As they have done from the day I brought them up out of Egypt until this day, forsaking me and serving other gods, so they are doing to you.”

God then told Samuel to warn the people exactly what having a worldly human king would mean--that they would have to give up their sons and daughters to serve the king, along with the best of their land--ending with a final summation by saying, “He will take a tenth of your flocks, and you yourselves will become his slaves. When that day comes, you will cry out for relief from the king you have chosen, and the Lord will not answer you in that day.”

But the people, who obviously idolized the lifestyle of their neighbors, replied, 

“No!...We want a king over us. Then we will be like all the other nations, with a king to lead us and to go out before us and fight our battles.” 

A classic case of “the grass is always greener!”

And God calmly responds to Samuel, 

“Listen to them and give them a king.”

There are so many elements to this passage I don’t know where to begin. First we have lusting after the lifestyle of others. Then, there's not being happy with their current judges but not turning to God in prayer for what to do about those judges. What if they had just decided as a nation to not have judges anymore, and to put God back in charge, as was the original plan? And then there's the whopper of having someone to “fight our battles.” They got to a place where they didn’t want to take responsibility or be accountable to God as a people to make their nation a place of integrity. They figured their “government,” the king, would take care of everything. And finally, Samuel's warning that they would become slaves to the worldly king.

I’ve heard leaders in the Christian youth movement lament that “we’re losing our youth when they get to college.” But we’ve already lost many of them before they even get to college, along with the rest of the congregation, when they desire to be under their king the world instead of under their LORD God. If we’re losing many of the kids to the world, it’s because we’ve often lost the parents to the world. Sometimes even the church has been lost to the world. I once sat in on a meeting of a church where the entire discussion was about spending money on rearranging the pews into theater-in-the-round position because “the church down the street has it.” 

Be it music, marketing techniques, book studies, Christian authors, etc. sometimes the church, too, undermines the LORDship of God in order to be more like the world. It can give in to the temptation to place the world’s or other Christian’s ideas and applications of Biblical truth before God Himself.

Tony Evans (a Christian author we must check against Scripture just like any other author) of the Urban Alternative said the LORDship of God was undermined from the get-go in the Garden of Eden. The following is a long quote, but essential reading for a clear picture of how the loss of the LORDShip of God comes about:

     “Before we read about Satan approaching Eve in the garden, every Scripture reference to God in relation to Adam is made as LORD God. Anytime you read the word LORD (in all caps), it refers to the name Yahweh used for God. The special title Yahweh means master and absolute ruler and is the name God used to reveal himself in His relationship with man. Prior to the name Yahweh, God had revealed himself as Creator, which is the name Elohim.
     However, when Satan spoke to Eve about eating that which she should not, he did not refer to God as LORD God. Satan essentially stripped off the name LORD—removing master and absolute ruler—and instead said, ‘Indeed has God said…’ Thus Satan sought to reduce God’s rulership over humankind by beginning with the subtle but effective twist of His name. In doing so, Satan kept the concept of religion while eliminating divine authority.
     By removing LORD from the authoritative nature of the relationship between God and Adam and Eve and in bypassing Adam, Satan not only caused humankind to rebel, but he also took over the dominion that man was supposed to be exercising under God’s authority. By eating the fruit in disobedience, Adam and Eve chose to change how they viewed their Creator from LORD God to God, resulting in the loss of their intimate fellowship with Him and each other, as well as the power of the dominion that flows from the ultimate Ruler.” Tony Evans, Kingdom Man, p. 12

This is the picture of what was taking place in 1 Samuel 8, and it is the picture of what still takes place today. It is what 2 Timothy 3:5 refers to when it says people will have “a form of godliness but denying its power.”

And God soberly says today, as then, “Listen to them and give them a king.” And what He is saying is, give them that worldly king they so lust after. And so we seal our hearts and minds around worldly "kings," be they leaders, the physical church, professors, material things, drugs and alcohol or emotions, and when these "kings" don’t do what we naively expected, we either turn to new and different “kings” or finally, to LORD God Himself.

“So you will be my people, and I will be your God.” Jeremiah 30:22

“If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever—the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.” 

John 14:15-17

No Longer Alone in a Crowd

Social situations have always been my nemesis. When I was a young girl and my family and I visited my cousins, I would sit on the couch next to my mom and be perfectly content to not play with the other children. One day my cousin asked me why I always just sat on the couch when I visited. I shrugged my shoulders and said nothing, but inwardly I answered, “Because I find it terrifying and exceedingly awkward to be here, and I’d rather be anywhere else than here.” The “anywhere else” usually meant at home in my bedroom with a book, or riding my bike alone along the country roads or playing in the stream near my house. Alone, I never felt alone. I was completely comfortable in my own skin. With other people, it was as if I didn’t know how to act or to speak or to be. I felt very alone. 

Which is what I attribute my alcohol addiction to, which began with my very first drink at 17 and ended, at age 38, by the Grace and Mercy of the Lord Jesus.

Alcohol made me comfortable in my own skin around others. I suddenly did not have to worry about how to act or to speak or to be. The alcohol did all of that for me. So I never learned how to do those things on my own. When the Lord took drinking away at 38, technically I was still at the level of a 17- year-old emotionally. I had to learn to be comfortable in my own skin in any situation, without alcohol.

By growing up in Christ since age 38, I have come a long way. God first blessed me with a newspaper job shortly after becoming a Christian. That forced me to go out into the world--be it crowds or stranger's homes--and talk with people. My pen, paper and tape recorder were my safety net, allowing me to have a hook on which to practice my social skills. At first the awkwardness was incredible. But with each journalistic assignment, the angst eased, and I began to relax. God was with me, and I was reliant on Him, and together we began the journey out of debilitating shyness and social anxiety into the beginning of confidence.

Social situations still unnerve me at times. I‘ve gotten comfortable finding a quiet spot on the fringe, or pinpointing other souls who look terrified and awkward that I can strike up a conversation with to help put them at ease. Funny, I actually find it easier to talk to total strangers than many of the folks I already know. There’s a certain freedom in anonymity.

The best thing, though, that God has done regarding social situations, even those with extended family, is to just be with me. I no longer feel alone in a crowd. Wherever I go God is at my side. I can talk to Him, and often do, throughout a family reunion, picnic, small-group, get-together, reception; anywhere. I draw the confidence to make it through the event from Jesus, and the ability to speak or not to speak from His Holy Spirit. But the minute I take my focus off Him, I usually say something stupid or get pulled into a worldly conversation and then the awkwardness and anxiety return. That's when I need to heed the Holy Spirit’s nudge to step back and recede into silent prayer so God can realign my heart and mind with Him. Only then can I be at peace in the world, and in my self, once again.

“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

Marriage as Idol

Today I have been married 29 years to my husband and best friend--11 of those years in the Lord. When we both became Christians 10 and 11 years ago, our marriage was re-born as well. During the last 11 years, God has “trained us up in the way we should go” (Proverbs 22:6) in our marriage. I can’t have regrets that we didn't consecrate ourselves and our marriage to the Lord sooner, because God redeems, in His time, every aspect of our lives we would be tempted to regret. And yet, if asked, my first piece of advice for couples about to be married would be that both the prospective bride and groom become born again Christians before the marriage ever takes place. And for those who are already married to become born again in Christ if they are not.

Today, I have the distinct pleasure of not only celebrating 29 years with my husband, but also realizing how God is using the pre-Christian marriage my husband and I had and the Christian marriage we now have to mentor other couples. When our two sons left home, my husband and I investigated ministries we could do together as a couple. Marriage mentoring is what God has led us to, and it is, as I said, redeeming to see God use every phase and experience of our 29 years of marriage to guide others.

It is no secret that marriage has always been and is perhaps becoming an even more difficult enterprise. I believe that this is because marriage, like many other things, is an idol. 

From the moment we are able to read and comprehend what we are watching on television and movies, we are fed fairy tales: not bad in themselves for their often moral quality, but certainly misleading in the way of “happily ever after” and how one falls into a marriage. The delusion only grows as people look to adult media and the un-challenged worldview around them that says dating at a very young age, going to prom, being sexy and finding a heart-throb spouse who will sweep you off your feet for the next 70 years is what “love” and a “romantic” relationship is. As one actress said after her second divorce: "I'm looking for someone to rock my world." Good luck with that. 

Secular marriage, in essence, is the attempt to live out a fantasy played over and over in our heads. In fact, it becomes an idol. We idolize marriage when we rely on it to transcend reality. We idolize marriage when we think it means a steady income. We idolize marriage when we delude ourselves that our partner is faultless in character before marriage, and by making him or her the scapegoat after, when the marriage hits a snag. 

We then continue to idolize the marriage—an agreement ordained by God and made between and carried out by two people—by being wrongly sure of ourselves that it is the other person, and not the marriage, that is the problem. In reality, if and when a marriage struggles, it is indeed the operating of two people within that marriage that is the problem, not a single person. But we continue to hold up the marriage as being faultless, as if it would be working perfectly if it just weren’t for the other person. Which explains the remarkable phenomenon of divorced people remarrying, often within months or a year of divorce. That, I believe, can only be explained by the fact that many divorced people don’t see the problems in their previous marriage, they only see the problems in their previous spouse. And then they are surprised when their second marriage also can’t seem to transcend reality and they have wound up yet again with another spouse to find fault with.

Here’s the reality: No marriage can stand up to the task of doing what only God can. Marriage as idol tries to do exactly that.

After 29 years of marriage, 11 of them in the Lord, I can establish that the best thing God ever did in our marriage was change me and my husband both. Only in that transformation, through His grace, Holy Spirit, Word and Salvation, were we, and our marriage, re-born.

And it’s no fairy tale. I don’t want a fairy tale. I want the full range of life with God that tells me “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). In marriage, we will have trials. But we can be of good cheer, because Jesus is the over-comer in us and in our marriage. He is the joy in all circumstances. He is the Joy of our marriage! Jesus is the rock of marriage. When we truly understand that truth, although life will still take us through personal and marriage valleys, we at the same time experience the blessings of God through the living of life with a spouse who is on the same path.

Today, my husband and I walk together closer in heart, mind, body and soul each day, looking to the Lord, not each other, to be our peace and our victor. We worship the God of our marriage; not the marriage. As we grow in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ, we grow in the knowledge of ourselves and what we need to work on. We also experience tremendous and immeasurable joy and satisfaction in experiencing God together. Our marriage has become a “cord of three strands” (Ecclesiastes 4:12): a husband and wife held together in love and marriage by God.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 2:1-4