Early in my marriage, and for more than 20 years into it, my
criticisms of my husband and he of me were not legitimate because they
originated from a place of self-centeredness (the same is true for our
parenting). Even if the criticism was of an obvious behavior, like not keeping
the house clean, the criticism arose from a place of personal displeasure and not
from an other-centered desire for the well being and maturing of the spouse.
Only when God, through the ongoing process of His Word, Holy
Spirit and the authority and saving grace of Jesus Christ, showed me that I was
allowing the little world I lived in to revolve around me in every way, could I
begin replacing my perspective with the Triune God’s.
When we begin to unwrap the layers upon layers of why things
bother us, or why people frustrate us, or why some people do one thing and it
drives us crazy, but another person—or even I—do the same thing and it doesn’t,
we begin to see that our take on things, left to itself,
leads to tension.
A major culprit in all of this is our incessant need for
affirmation, which is a rampant form of pride. We feel that we need to affirm
our rights, unmet needs, goals, hopes and opinions. And we need to have others
affirm us through reading our minds, understanding us, always saying the right
thing to us, never stepping on our toes, handling us gently, knowing our
preferences and, especially, meeting our physical needs and emotional neediness.
However, much of what we call “affirmation” is merely
appeasement, enabling and tolerating. Is that what we want? To be enabled, appeased and tolerated?
That is often the “affirmation” we receive for constantly affirming ourselves vocally
in our conversations, actions and attitudes. It is a vicious cycle: I
outwardly affirm myself in hopes that I strong-arm the affirmation I desire
back from others. What a way to live.
Affirmation, in its
holy and right state, is of God, from Him and through Him. He will never
affirm self-centeredness. And He will give us all the time in the world to come
to the epiphany that self-promotion and self-satisfaction is exactly what we
have been trying to obtain!
We need to get it though our head—and to our heart—once and
for all that only God can affirm and He will only affirm what is in His will to
affirm. This is what sets us
free from the neediness of our own, and others, affirmation. This is what
allows us to rest completely in Him, and not in ourselves or others.
How do we get there? It can be a complicated process, and an
ongoing one at that. Yet it always comes down to how much time in honest
reflection—in total openness to God’s estimation of us—we are willing to
commit, always and only before God. Past and present feedback from others may
or may not be helpful. In every moment we stand before and answer to God, and He will never give His peace
where it isn’t. So we check our hearts, which can be deceitful beyond measure,
constantly with Him.
And whatever God affirms—through His Word, Holy Spirit and
Christ—we go with. And whatever He doesn’t, we don’t.
“Create in me a pure heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10
