What Eats Up Time?

What amount of time and energy do we commit to worrying, striving and trying to finagle ways to control actual or hypothetical situations?

It’s a question worth honestly investigating, because the answer will address the proverbial head-scratching inquiry, “Where does the time go?”

Think about it. 

What are the distractions—even while doing something we love, such as gardening or hiking—that block the experience of joy in the moment, and thus, make time seem to go faster than it otherwise would?

Now, those things I call “distractions” might actually be puzzles we need to figure out and moods we ought to work through as we meander through a meadow of late summer haze, or thin-out Irises in a perennial bed. 

But then there are other times—many of them—where we can’t focus on our son’s soccer game, or enjoy the dinner party, or relish our day off from work because of besetting animosities, vendettas, hurt feelings, missed opportunities and any number of dramas and mole hills that mar our contentment in the now. 

Each and every “shoulda", "what-if" and “having been wronged” is one grain in the sand of time collectively slipping quickly through the hour glass, dissipating life with it. 

So, what is the alternative?

To, just as we place ourselves under Christ’s Lordship, and receive Christ’s redemptive powers, we place and apply the seconds, minutes and hours of our lives under His Lordship and in His redemptive power as well.

“So teach us to number our days, 

That we may present to You a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:12).

“Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil” (Ephesians 5:15-16).

What I am primarily talking about is thought-life: the racing ideas, speculations, perturbations, jumped-to conclusions, reactions and passionate surmising that either enamor or torment us as we go about daily life. 

It is why we don’t hear our children (often called being pre-occupied—sometimes labeled as a disorder of attention).

It is why we take our spouse for granted, making married love appear tired, mundane or something that can simply “take care of itself.”  

It is why we are easily offended. 

It is why “it” is never enough, or not what we “once had,” or what we had “hoped for.” Our protracted mental screenplay 

won’t 

let 

us 

alone. 

We need to make a prayer-decision with God to “stop it.” 

Stop the ruminating that exacerbates past situations, or doesn’t do anything to solve or change them. 

Stop straining for the “perfect” or most “awesome” or "impressive" future existence!! 

There is a place, certainly, of thinking things through, planning responsibly for the future and even possessing a goal or two. That is common sense.

I am talking about the unfruitful, incessant, and obsessive habit of the inner heart and mind that botches rest and contentment in the present—(and even if we’ve fallen short or hit a wall, we can, in Christ, still have rest and contentment!). 

A focus on lack strips away the humble Christian victory to be found in accumulated fruitful lessons and rich experiences.

It really is a case of not seeing the forest for the trees, with the trees being the glass half-empty and the forest being wonderfully made and knitted by God, in its entirety, in love. It is a forest of spiritual abundance in all aspects of life. 

“I am the door; if anyone enters through Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly” (John 10 9-10).

We swing from limb to limb in what God intends to be the blessed forest of life but we allow to be turned into a daily heist of the treasures and wisdom of God, leaving only negative attitudes, a consuming focus on reputation, fits of desperate scheming, regret, and self-centered nit-picking in its stealthy wake.

And the clock ticks. 

And time goes by. 

And is irretrievably, 

lost. 

Copyright Barb Harwood

They Bring Me Joy

We often find ourselves in the book of Psalms when the going gets rough.

But as I once again work my way through this collection of odes and shout-outs to God, I am implored as much to take joy in God as I am to take comfort. 

Praise Him, praise His Holy name. Remember all that He has done, since the beginning of creation. Recall all of the healing; the wide places of relief He has brought me to. Hear that it’s okay to have private worship; that it’s a high calling to sit quietly alone before the Lord and be still in Him.

One of my best friends likes to say she is “mucking out” the house when she’s cleaning. 

The Psalms are my “mucking out.” 

Regardless of my interior state, or when the world, Christian or otherwise, throws me for a loop, and I’m either complacent, jaded, or just really flummoxed, I enter the salvage yard of faith in the Psalms. There I locate all the parts of God that address the worn out in me; that regenerate a stale heart and humble a cocky attitude. 

At other times, when everything is fine and normal, the Psalms sweeten the hours so that the grandest blessing of all: simply feeling good and being alive, doesn’t go unnoticed. 

Anita Baker sings a song in which I always hear a quiet incredulity as she extols devotion to her lover, punctuating it with the refrain:

“You bring me joy.”

The Psalms are that.

They bring me joy—in the midst of trial, but also, more regularly, on a good day, with no sorrow in sight. 

They uplift to the peace and trust that goes beyond understanding. 

They bring me joy.

Copyright Barb Harwood

Tony Evans on Unforgiveness

From the book, Detours by Tony Evans:

"A lot of us are failing to reach our destination because we are still feeling loaded down by the pain of the past. The weight of yesterday continues to weigh us down today, keeping us from moving freely into tomorrow. Nothing--and I mean nothing--will hinder you arriving at your destiny like this thing called unforgiveness. Unforgiveness includes holding on to past pain, past hurts, past grudges--the weightiness of regret, remorse, and revenge. Unforgiveness is that one thing above all else that will block God's movement in your life taking you from where you are to where you are supposed to go." Dr. Tony Evans

Never Too Late With God

It may be too late with people, but never with God. 

Forgiveness is a funny thing with humans, but a very objective, thorough and complete thing with God.

So as we make peace, through Christ, with our demons, and turn over a new leaf in our process of regeneration, and begin once again to venture out amongst the people of our past as the healed, redeemed-from-our-nemeses-and-neuroses people that we are—“it," us—we may not be welcomed back. 

Now it is us who may be on the receiving end of the very same nemeses and neuroses that once drove our attitudes and actions. Or, other people may seek to indulge their own form of revenge or indifference to us.

Either way, the progress we’ve made with Christ is not trusted by them, or perhaps not even noticed (mainly because many who don’t know Christ don’t understand sin—mine or their own, and in fact even deny there is such a thing); or our growth and improved mental and emotional state may be despised. It might be resented because it didn’t come sooner, or because we were flawed to begin with. 

And when everyone, including us, takes everything personal, conflict and hurt feelings are seeded, bloom and become entrenched. It’s just a matter of whose court the ball of offense is now in. 

It is this very taking of things personal that Christ is and has been working to eradicate in my life, and the main reason I can, after 18 years of being born again in Him, indeed begin afresh now, free of much of the social and familial anxiety that has haunted and strangled me in the past. 

The blessing is that now when I see these same strangleholds in others, I don’t take it personally because these folks are simply where I once was. 

I have only compassion for them and can, through Christ, give them their space to lick their wounds, which, without Christ in their lives, will never fully heal. And even with Christ, can take a very long time to heal. 

My response is to pray that they, too, find Christ and freedom in Him from their priority of harboring offense. 

And that I will welcome them back when and if they ever want to be.

Copyright Barb Harwood

The Source of Evil and "Us Vs. Them"

A young person in my life is investigating the underlying cause of the “Us vs. Them” mentality. Essentially, this person says they would like to know where evil comes from, or why people “act the way they do.”

And so this letter, although addressed to them, is addressed to all of us.

Dear young person,

The last few months, you have raised the question of why “people act the way they do” and asked what is the source of the “us versus them” mentality.

As you know, I do not have sociological, psychiatric, ethnological, etymological, or behavioral science degrees to lend worldly “expertise” to what I say, so I will merely go with what I know to be true from having lived with myself for the last 57 years, and which Scripture confirms.

“What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel.” James 4:1-2

Notice the above answer to “what is the source of quarrels and conflicts”: 

Is not the source you…..

Our “pleasures” is that which pleases us, and we are not talking about food or places to visit here. Our true pleasure is that which brings satisfaction internally, and motivates what we think, say and do. 

So although an adventurous vacation can make us happy, that happiness may linger only for a time and then fade upon our return. But the deeper pleasure of posting pictures on facebook or talking about our trip for years afterwards—that is the internal pleasure we really seek—the “war waging in our members” of heart, mind and physical embodiment—the members of our psyche that incorporate "street cred," making an appearance; identity. 

I posit that in everything: career, marriage, family, neighborhood; what underlies the "us versus them" mentality is the ensuing evil we practice to attain that pleasure, whether or not we indeed obtain it, which I identify here as affirmation. 

Even the most confident person craves it. 

And when you begin to listen, and observe, to the world around you: from those who talk way too loud in a cafe, to those who interrupt, to those who have their own story to tell before you even finish yours, to fancy cars and cute clothes and beautiful works of art: the deepest pleasure of the human soul is the receiving of affirmation from another.

And it is what ironically also drives wedges between us and is the impetus of so much evil.

This is further clarified in Galatians:

“Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these,” Galatians 5:19-21a

So what has affirmation got to do with the above? 

We go about satiating our need for affirmation, or retaliating for not getting it when we think we deserve it, by gut-human reaction as listed in the above verse. We may even “know” it is “wrong” to be jealous, or envious. But when we are assuaging a lack of affirmation, logic goes right out the window, and we instead do whatever we can to “please the members that wage war within us.” 

And the problem with the need for human affirmation, either from others or from within ourselves, is that it is never enough, and we are sieves through which it comes and then quickly goes, leaving us craving yet more. 

It is this constant and incessant drive for affirmation that often pits one against another. 

So, as I said earlier, if we say we really want to get to the bottom of evil, and “us versus them,” then we have to start with ourselves, and we have to be brutally honest with ourselves, about ourselves. 

And so, I will go first: 

Before I found affirmation in Christ, my go-to's for affirmation were to talk over people; one-up and interrupt their stories; and gossip and criticize individuals and entire people groups in an attempt to convince myself of my superiority over them. 

Again, all this to feed myself heavy doses of affirmation. 

I would flatter in order to get on someone’s good side, or to impress them with my equally intelligent like-mindedness. So although I was lavishing accolades upon them, I was sniffing for a return complement and ordination into their status.

I would adopt the cool trends of the day, then resent the rest of the world when the rest of the world caught on and I was no longer uniquely affirmed by my style and my being “in the know.” 

See, only I was entitled to be cool; to be cutting edge; to be “with it.” 

Because then I could be superior to the “clueless” and “backward.” 

You can imagine how these various motivations for affirmation caused huge inner distress, social exhaustion and perpetual anxiety, all part of my fending off a fear of being “less than.” 

I was the farthest a person could be from “inner peace,” which led, not surprisingly, to dissension and animosity with everyone else: even people I liked. Because life became a perpetual competition. 

This need for affirmation also robbed me of enjoyment in the jobs I had. 

I was always listening in, noticing and ultimately resenting the compliments paid to co-workers. Any time someone else was praised, I felt inwardly threatened. Oftentimes this happened even if I did receive a complement, because I wanted to be the only one being lifted up and singled out for stellar competency and congeniality. 

This is the breeding ground for Schadenfreude: that inner secret delight that bubbles up in us when we see someone fail, or “get what they deserve.” 

This happens in families as well: sibling rivalry, the belief that a parent loves and favors one child over the others, the spreading of gossip and being a critical busy-body—all of it comes from an insatiable obsession with being affirmed. 

“For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another” Galatians 5:13-15.

And so affirmation, first and foremost, is tied to inner peace, and I posit that affirmation and inner peace cannot come from within, because of the state of the “within” that I have just described. 

It goes back to the proverbial question I have asked many times on this blog: “How can I help me if I am the problem?” 

How can I drum up and manufacture my own affirmation? 

Clearly my track record is that I cannot, even though I read every zen and New Age book on “liking myself.” We can tell ourself this until we are blue in the face (I should know), but look around: clearly the “Just like yourself” mantra is wearing thin and not doing much to bring “peace on earth;” internally among individuals or externally among communities and nations.

So, the first part of my answer to the question of “why do people act the way they do” and what underlies the “us versus them” mentality is that individuals are not at peace with themselves, so they cannot be at peace inwardly with others. 

We can fake being at peace with people face to face, but if we lack inner peace inwardly (and I argue this comes from the peace of having our need for affirmation satiated), we will lack an inner peace towards others that will continue to undermine unity and cooperation.

The second part of my answer is to deal with the “lust” mentioned in James 4. 

“You lust and do not have.” 

Lust here is a mindset, not a sexual obsession.

We “murder” or kill whatever comes between us and what we want—what we lust after. 

This gets back again, I believe, to our constant and driving need for affirmation. 

So if we “lust” after affirmation in our job, and we understand affirmation to mean high payment and respect for our talents, but we we don’t get high pay and respect, then we “kill” others (by our attitude towards them), who do make a lot of money and seem to garner all the respect in society. 

So we would be hard pressed, for example, to say we like a CEO of a major corporation. We would be hard pressed to say we respect them. We would have no problem voicing derision towards them in our heads and with our peers. 

We would have no problem lambasting race car drivers who rake in the cash, while we slave away, working twice as hard in a job that doesn’t damage the eco-system. 

Inwardly, we are assuaged by this animosity; by our very own “us versus them” mentality. 

Here we come to the uncomfortable realization that we cannot exclude ourselves from being a shareholder of evil, proven in the very vendettas we harbor within ourselves. 

I know there is a huge push to blame religion, specifically, Christianity, for all of the evil in the world, even going so far as to accuse evil of being a religious social construct that non-Christians can now use to shame and blame Christians.

The only problem with this “scholarly” counter-cultural “Let’s turn Christianity over on its head so as to reveal it’s true colors!” is that it doesn’t eradicate evil or the “us versus them” mentality. 

Many have jettisoned Christianity, and yet war persists. 

Secular countries are in protest. 

Tribal groups war with other tribal groups. 

People who never set foot in a church, much less have any inkling of “traditional Christianity,” are rude and cheat, curse others and murder. 

As long as people roam the earth, people will be the source of evil and “us versus them.”

As much as I wish it were all an invention by some cantankerous old bishops and reformation leaders, I know "us versus them" isn’t made up, and cannot be eradicated by believing so.

So to answer your question, I say look to yourself, as I had to look to myself to truly understand and perceive exactly where evil and “us versus them” begins. 

It begins in me. And it begins in you. 

“I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good.” Romans 7:21

copyright Barb Harwood

Women's Liberation vs. Women's Rights

It was only when I became a Christian that I slowly began to see not only the Godly purpose and high calling in parenting and marriage, but the beauty and sense of teamwork, bonding and belonging God’s teaching on the family instilled—if only we let it!

Previous to becoming a Christian in Christ, I had kicked against the goads of being wife to my husband, and mother to my kids, due to an unsettling sense of having fallen short, even though they loved me and I dearly loved them. 

I was simply imbued with an “ought” that I allowed to dictate my worth; an “ought” that I was not living up to because I had chosen to be at home with my kids.

This “ought” was the brainchild of the cultural and contextual worldview into which I had been born, raised and encouraged: the Women’s Liberation Movement.

This movement of “liberating” women from the enemy—men and childrearing, was not the same, I realized years later, as Women’s Rights. I didn’t know to make that distinction back then, because the distinction, in my world anyway, was never made: it wasn’t made in my home, public education or university experience. 

Therefore, all of the progress in procuring the legal rights that women require to be equal with men got mixed up with the “Women’s Lib” movement. So if a person was not on board with every tenet of Women’s Lib, they were accused of being "male chauvinists,” or “against” women’s rights, or—for women specifically—looked down upon as “doormats.”

But the Women’s Lib movement is a far cry from Women’s Rights. 

Because one of the rights a woman has, and “ought” to be able to have, is that of being a mom and wife, and to enjoy and take satisfaction in the living out of that choice—something the Women’s Lib movement, in my lifetime, attempted to (and succeeded) in taking away from me, if only for a short time. 

The Women’s Lib movement took it upon themselves to declare to young girls and women everywhere: 

“You do not have a right to want to ‘just’ be a mom and wife. And you certainly have no right to actually take pleasure in and receive a sense of accomplishment in the living out of that choice.”

The liberation movement adopted and denigrated the moniker “housewife” to shame any female who so chose that very calling: a mom and wife who does not “work” outside the home.

Thus, anything “traditionally” female was frowned upon: “staying home” with the kids; sewing one’s own clothes, cooking—even keeping a clean, organized living abode was deemed to be “below” any woman worth her salt. 

To live this way was not only a "drudgery," but an insult and let-down to women everywhere.

As I grew older, it started to seem to me that the “Women’s Movement,” as it was now starting to be called, simply had a vendetta against men.

Again, I can’t emphasize enough the separating of women’s rights from women’s liberation. All women benefit when they gain rights, but many women lose and are disadvantaged when they buy into “liberation.”

Case in point:

Take the situation today where women find themselves just as much, if not more, as sexual objects as ever before. We can thank the Women’s Lib movement for this lack of progress—even regression—for telling women that birth control would liberate them sexually and they could now have sex before and outside of marriage, with as many partners as they wish. They could now be equal to men in this regard. 

Hmmm, funny how it is still primarily the woman who is sexualized and preyed upon by men. In the “sexual revolution,” the woman is still the loser. 

A woman liberated has been given the go-ahead—under the guise of equality—to give sex away, with very non-liberating consequences: unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, broken hearts and physical violation by men who used them, and the very objectification that the Women’s Lib movement claimed to be against. 

This same promiscuous autonomy leads to the enabling thinking that justifies sexual affairs outside of marriage as well, leading to divorce and broken homes.

Ironic how the Women’s Movement remains silent on this, except to continue to blame men, redirecting the fallout of what is largely the women’s liberation movement’s own doing.

A woman with sexual rights, on the other hand, would not give sex away, especially outside of marriage. 

The Women’s Liberation movement, I believe, has set back the progress women have made through the gaining of rights, and will continue to impede progress as long as we confuse liberation with rights.

Women’s Liberation and Women’s Rights will always be at odds with each other, because in the former, someone has to lose, whereas in the latter, both women and men win. 

As long as women’s rights is muddled by liberation, women everywhere will be undermined.

More posts yet to come on this...

Copyright Barb Harwood