This is a great quote from the book, Pastoral Counseling by V. James Mannoia
“…change comes about when the individual perceives his own newly experienced self. Behavior is consistent with self-concept, and the most efficient way to change is to alter the self-concept. Maturation and learning are integrally involved in this process of change.”
Many people don’t change because they buy-into either the perception of themselves sent by a control freak, or the control freak's setting up a prison of ease.
And while many control freaks say they want so-and-so to change or meet new challenges, their actual signals and actions often point in the very opposite direction. Thus, those who control create a cycle of dependence and inferiority in the controlled-one’s life.
In other words, the change they are wishing to see transpire in their spouse, child, adult-child, friend or family member often does not come about because of the very tight leash the controlling person holds them back on.
This leash is either the sending of a message that the controlled person cannot change on their own, is not capable of anything new, or will always be the same person—behaving and garnering the same results—as they have in the past.
The leash can also be one of fear: so that, even though the controlling person desires positive progress for their loved one, they are terrified of letting their loved one go free in order for them to make the attempt at a maturing life; an attempt sure to include the very mistakes that will lead to a newly experienced self and personal change in behavior for the better.
Either way, control stymies and makes miserable: not only the person being controlled, but the person holding the reigns (or thinking that they do).
Copyright Barb Harwood
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