BJ Foster, writing on the website All Pro Dad, writes a succinct, insightful and, in my opinion, correct explanation of why human beings do not forgive.
In many cases, it is because they cannot forgive, which, of course, I attribute to not having first experienced the forgiveness of God for their own personal immaturity, mistakes, and times they themselves have hurt others (but don’t keep the same account of as they do for others who have offended or hurt).
Here are Foster’s five reasons folks don’t, or cannot, forgive, in condensed form. You can read the entire article here:
https://www.allprodad.com/5-reasons-people-dont-forgive/
Foster’s Five Reasons:
1. Many people believe the myths that have grown up around forgiving: They think that if they forgive, they are somehow saying that the wrong to them was justified or is now forgotten. In addition, Foster says,
“Many also believe it means that the person must admit wrongdoing, trust is restored, there must be reconciliation, or the offender is released from the consequences of their actions. That all can be a part of forgiveness but doesn’t have to be. Forgiveness is simply giving up your right to condemn…Forgiveness is letting go of ill will and making peace.”
2. “Holding on to anger and bitterness somehow feels like justice. It’s what the people who hurt us deserve, our wrath. Somehow we convince ourselves that our bitterness keeps them on the hook. Bitterness is hard to let go of because it is a security blanket that provides false comfort and a distraction from our hurt. Forgiveness means letting go of bitterness…”
3. “We want people to get what they deserve, especially when they hurt us…
Forgiveness means they are released from the vengeance we want to administer.”
4. “We are right and they are wrong. They are the bad guys and we are the heroes. That’s what feels good. It’s easy to place someone who hurts you in the category of an evil person. It makes life much more simple, but it’s not that simple. The person may be wrong, abusive, cruel, manipulative, controlling, a liar, or a bully. However, forgiveness causes us to consider what led them to be that way. What pain and abuses have been perpetuated on them? It doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it does give some insight. Forgiveness also challenges us to think about the pain we have inflicted on others and our need to receive forgiveness.”
5. This fifth point is where Foster knocks it out of the ball park, because he states a very simple truth that is rarely stated in articles on forgiveness. Foster writes:
“Finally, forgiveness is an act that comes from a position of strength, a strength many people don’t have. It requires resilient bravery, love, faith, empathy, openness, and vulnerability.”
The only thing I can add to Foster’s above list, is this:
For each and every one of us, life at times is a huge, overwhelming struggle.
Coping mechanisms vary at different stages of life.
If we all were born knowing how to navigate our emotions and mental weaknesses, we would never step on anyone’s toes.
Events and stressors in life do to us what we never received an instruction sheet for. Instead, we have to wing it, and creep into our shells for self-protection when that’s all we can do, often shutting others out.
People love to throw around the “cancel” word when someone is having a mental health crisis or is attempting to get their life back on track and thus needs to keep their distance from those who at that time in their life pose a risk or a threat.
Sometimes those feeling “canceled” would do well to take an inner look to gain some insight as to what they themselves perhaps are doing to contribute to someone else’s pulling away. At minimum, if they are so concerned with having been “canceled,” then maybe they should simply ask if they indeed have been canceled before jumping to the conclusion that the other person is the problem.
To those who harbor ill will and unforgiveness because they feel they were cancelled (and never directly asked the other person why), I posit that unforgiveness is an equal form of cancel, especially when the other person is attempting to make amends.
We can’t really criticize someone for canceling us if we are doing the same back through unforgiveness.
Self-righteousness is the monster that it is because all of the mud it slings at other people is never recognized as one’s own mud too.
Forgiveness.
The only way I got to where I am today is because of God’s teaching me forgiveness. It is a most difficult thing. And that is why I have also learned, from God, to forgive those who cannot, or will not, forgive me.
Copyright Barb Harwood
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