A Biblical Marriage

One month from now my husband and I will celebrate our 27th wedding anniversary. But Biblically, we've been married for ten years, since for the first 17 years neither of us were Christians. Yes, we were married in a church. I even picked out the Bible verses to be read (I was not a Bible reader. I picked out some of the more poetic verses, most of which were ultimately nixed by the pastor).

After our sons were born, we went through the motions of infant baptism, and I volunteered as a Sunday school teacher. But the whole time, I did not know Jesus Christ. Church, I always tell people, was more like belonging to the Jaycees or Elk's club. It was my adult version of Girl Scouts and it was a "duty" I did not particularly enjoy carrying out. Sunday mornings were usually the most stressful of the week. My husband chose to simply opt out, adding to the angst.

The point is, on the surface we looked like a "religious" family. On the surface, our marriage didn't look that much different than any other secular marriage. It operated from the worldly standard of seeking personal "happiness" through a spouse and status. When things went wrong, there was resentment. To deal with resentment, there was substance abuse. And all of it was a result of worldly immaturity.

And then, through the workings of God too numerous to go into here, we both became Christians within a year of each other and, along with our individual re-birth, came a re-birth of our marriage (and our parenting and family as well). See, we didn't know what was wrong with us or our marriage until God showed us what was wrong.

The following words by T.M. Moore beautifully capture how our marriage was transformed by God from a secular, sinful and prideful thing into something that brings peace beyond all understanding:

"Dare we look to the Bible to teach us the measure of a marriage? Of course we should, at least, if we want our lives to be informed and guided by a biblical worldview.

According to the Bible, marriage is the oldest human institution, divinely established for the purpose of bringing an eternal economy and all its benefits to earth. God’s purpose in establishing marriage was threefold: (1) that people should enjoy the benefits of intimate social communion; (2) that offspring should be provided for expanding the divine economy; and (3) that the earth should know the developmental benefits of human interaction coram deo. It was not good for man to be alone; the measure of a marriage is the extent to which it brings friendship, companionship, comfort, and security to a man and a woman, and stability to the children they produce and the society of which they are members. Married couples are to be fruitful and multiply, to reproduce people like themselves who know and honor God and are committed to taking their place in the divine economy. A marriage succeeds when, through the children it produces and the other people it influences, it makes a contribution to expanding the ranks of faithful kingdom citizens. Together married folk are called to interact with the creation—through work, stewardship of property and wealth, and recreation—in order to bring more of God’s goodness, beauty, and productivity into being. The measure of a marriage is the degree to which it succeeds in helping each participant to maximize his or her contribution to the expanding economy of divine blessing.

These three objectives—interpersonal, social, and cultural—can be achieved only where a relationship with God is fostered and encouraged. For only God can enable married couples to look beyond mere self-interest or short-term economic and emotional satisfaction to the larger objectives and divine purposes of bringing the goodness and glory of God to light as far and wide as possible. The biblical view of marriage requires the kind of selflessness and sacrificial giving that can only be sustained for many years when each participant has come to know the One whose own selfless sacrifice points the way, fuels the desire, and empowers the ability to love as He does. Marriage succeeds to the extent that it maintains focus on Jesus Christ and the divine order He is instituting. Only thus can marriage overcome the shallowness and pettiness of mere self-interest, and the self-serving and expedient siren voices of relativism, and engage its participants—husbands, wives, children, extended family, neighbors, friends, associates—in the eternal drama of the unfolding kingdom of God." T. M. Moore on the Breakpoint website

My encouragement to anyone reading this today who is struggling in their marriage is to take you, your spouse and your marriage to Jesus and lay it at His feet. If you're not born again in Christ, begin there. It was the change my husband saw in me that led him to seek God for himself, and which then led both of us to seek God for our marriage. Is our marriage perfect today? No, just like anyone born again in Christ is not perfect either. But it is a marriage that operates God's way, thereby filling it with joy, patience, love, other-centeredness and the ability to forgive and move on. The substance abuse is gone, the pride has been and continues to be convicted, and the petty neediness has been replaced with gratitude to God. The Lord is doing in our marriage exactly what He said in Isaiah 61:3: "to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."

In short, Biblical marriages are "oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:3

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Free to Be in God's Will

Nick Flatoff, photo

I was reading Jeremiah 34 the other day; how the people of Israel made a promise before God to free their slaves. They freed them, but later decided to take them back as their slaves again. God, seeing this, tells the people through the Prophet Jeremiah that, since they have not provided freedom to their slaves as they proclaimed, He is giving them freedom to “fall by the sword…” I guess if we’re looking for a terrific accountability verse, this is it!

In Jeremiah 34, I see proof that there is free will: we are free to chose to either be in God’s will or our own or someone else’s will. God promises to guide and lead us if we let Him, but ultimately, we act on that guidance and leading or we don’t. And when the folks in Jeremiah 34 decide to initially obey God, but then change their minds, He holds them accountable. Just as God gives them liberty to live in His blessing, He also gives them liberty to break promises and live outside of His blessing.

Many people today focus on a forgiving God only and miss this point completely. God is a forgiving God, as the Old Testament proves over and over again. But He also lets people skin their knees a few times. To allow us to “fall by the sword” doesn’t mean God isn’t forgiving. It means there are consequences to our disobedience. Those consequences can be in the form of broken relationships, poor health, lost jobs, inner guilt, or just a lackluster and unfruitful faith life.

God puts such a high priority on covenant in His Word, we are foolish if we think He is going to take any promise we make lightly, or not hold us to it. That is why Jesus tells us to count the cost before we follow Him: because He will hold us accountable to the Christian life we profess (Luke 14:28). He will forgive us every time we repent, but forgiveness is not the same as accountability.

Our nation celebrates many freedoms on July 4^th. But every day is a day of liberty with God: the liberty to follow Him seriously, or the liberty to seriously deny Him and pay the consequences. And as much as it can sting to be held accountable by God, it always leads to more freedom from the bondage to sin.

“Therefore, this is what the Lord says: You have not obeyed me; you have not proclaimed freedom for your fellow countrymen. So I now proclaim ‘freedom’ for you, declares the Lord—‘freedom’ to fall by the sword, plague and famine.” Jeremiah 34:17

“And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’“ Luke 14:27-30

John 15:1-5

“’I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.’” John 15: 1-5

The Believer’s Bible Commentary has an enlightening take on these verses:

“The Christian has been placed in Christ; that is his position…A branch abides in a vine by drawing all its life and nourishment from the vine…Christ himself is the vine; believers are vine branches. It is not a question of the branch living its life for the Vine, but simply of letting the life of the Vine flow out through the branches. Sometimes we pray, ‘Lord, help me to live my life for You.’ It would be better to pray, ‘Lord Jesus, live out Your life through me.' Without Christ, we can do nothing. A vine branch has one great purpose—to bear fruit. It is useless for making furniture or for building homes. It does not even make good firewood. But it is good for fruit bearing—as long as it abides in the vine.” Believer’s Bible Commentary by William MacDonald

I love this because transferring our “live out my life for You” to “Lord, live out Your life through me” really does put God in the position of Gardener, not us. So often we co-opt Christianity and forge ahead without, in true humility, taking every thought captive to Christ. It’s like trying to grow sunflowers in shade or woodland Trilliums in full sun. We think we can will things to happen through sheer determination instead of allowing the life of Christ to grow in and out of us through His Holy Spirit.

The only way Christ can live through us is when we allow Him to take His rightful place as Vine, God to take His rightful place as Gardener, and we our rightful place as branches that exist only because Christ gives us life through Himself. We don’t exist first, and then Christ outside of us. God tends, Jesus anchors and feeds and we bear fruit as a result. The process cannot be reversed or re-arranged, as if we could somehow grow Christ.

Today I give God His trowel and pruning sheers back and take my rightful place as a branch on the True Vine of Jesus Christ.

“If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” John 15:6

If You're the Parent of a Graduate...

A year ago today my oldest son graduated from high school. The day I knew would always come had arrived. I didn’t cry at his graduation because relief was the overwhelming emotion: relief that he made it (and made it well); relief that I had been able to be an at-home mom the entire time; relief that we were able to stay in the same house from the time he was in fourth grade; relief that the ups and downs of high school were over….relief.

But then August came and we did the parent-weekend-drop-off-your-kid-at-college routine. Nobody prepared me for that (I went to a state university. My parents weren’t there to see me off, since I lived at home my first two years. I transferred to Madison with zero fanfare). So when my son’s college took the parents through what many of us found to be an excruciatingly sentimental and dramatic weekend of speeches filled metaphorically with mother eagles pushing their young out of their nests, I was just about at my wits end at the final chapel service which ended with a “parent covenant” where we corporately read words on the screen that basically pledged we would “cut the umbilical cord,” “sever the ties that bind,” and officially recognize our children as adults who must depart to find answers to their dreams, go live their lives, spread their wings…..At about this point in the service I wanted to slide the needle off the record, silence the violins, raise my hand and brazenly announce “I’m outa here! Anybody want to join me?” I was a complete and total wreck (attested to by the final breakdown in tears in the hotel room at my husband’s lighthearted joke about how we could soon say “sayonara” and be on our way).

Upon entering the driveway on our return home without our son, I cried at the site of the front porch, where he and I spent hours talking. Weeding my garden that week, tears streamed every time I thought of my son not coming home until at least October break. I shut the door to his bedroom. I cried again when I found a dirty sock of his in the laundry pile.

Thus began the first year of living without my son in the house.

And to think I was actually happy for him! I was, very happy. I just couldn’t muster up happiness for me, not yet. That would take some time and adjustment and some very big comforting from God.

As I think about my friends and other parents who watched their child graduate today, I look back over this past year. Taking my son to college seems like a lifetime ago, and in many ways, it was. He changed and we all grew and fumbled with our new roles. Melancholy still crept in from time to time, but I could come and go from visiting him at college or attending one of his concerts and finally feel joy, not just for him, but for me too.

Today I especially think about what it would have been like to endure this past year without knowing Jesus and being able to be so intimate and close with Him in the initial heartbreak and the ensuing challenges of operating in this new arrangement. I brought everything, and I do mean everything, into my conversations with God. I left nothing out and I asked Him for help constantly. And He provided, just like He has always promised. He never forsook me and I never, not once, felt forsaken. I got through this past year because God got me through this past year, and continues to do so. And as the “getting through” has gotten not only easier, but also deeply rewarding, I give my thanks to God. He truly is a rock. It is my prayer for all of you parents out there facing this new stage of life that you’ll let Him be your rock, too. God bless you and your student in the coming year.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

“Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62:8

“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20

“…God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.’” Hebrews 13:5-6

The Hipster Church

I came across a wonderful blog by Rachel Held Evans this morning in which she interviews Brett McCracken about his new book, "Hipster Christianity: When Church and Cool Collide" to be released by Baker Books in August.

This is a great interview with an author of what I anticipate will be a terrific book because McCracken seems to be able to take an objective, Biblical look at the hipster-cool movement currently running rampant--not only in churches--but especially in publishing and at conferences. My family and I have first-hand experience with this movement (some call it a cancer) and decided it wasn't for us and moved on to a different church.

Evans' interview with McCracken is well worth taking time to read, but I would also encourage you to read the comments posted at the end of the article, which, amazingly, are thoughtful and respectful and sometimes quite funny! (something that rarely, if ever, happens in comments posted on the internet). The blog also provides a link to a quiz you can take to find out what your Christian cool-quotient is. I haven't taken the quiz yet. Maybe after I finish my coffee? (Hills Brothers Perfect Balance 1/2 Caffeine. Probably not cool....) Here's the link to this great interview: http://rachelheldevans.com/hipster-christianity

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" Matthew 16:24-26

"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." John 15:18-19

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

"Test everything..." 1 Thessalonians 5:21

Obey

The other day, I made a left turn through a yellow-into-red turn arrow, only to find myself staring down the shiny chrome grill of an oncoming navy blue Dodge Ram/Ford F-150/Chevy Silverado….didn’t catch the make other than that it was BIG and headed straight for me.

It happened in an instant, and thank the Lord I was able to complete my illegal turn unscathed. Feeling a bit sheepish, the first thought that entered my mind was “yeah, it was stupid of me to turn on yellow-red, but hey, the reason I’m on the road in the first place is because I’m taking some household stuff to the donation center at Goodwill. Surely my good deed is the only thing that matters.” Then another voice popped into my head and said, “Are you serious? You think donating stuff to Goodwill allows you to drive like a maniac getting there?”

That second thought made sense, and I was convicted. I mean, if a cop had pulled me over for my infraction, he wouldn’t have cared one wit where I was headed or how many babies I’d saved from burning buildings or how many little ladies I’d helped across the street. He’d ticket me for this one act of disobedience, and rightly so.

I’ve been thinking about how this translates to a Christian walk. There’s a reason God wants us to obey. He has lots of signals: the yellow to warn us we are getting close to sinning; the red to let us know we’ve already stepped over the line, and the green to call us to His purpose. Ignoring any one of those signals from God could leave us face to face with something that was never God’s intent. And obeying God in one area doesn’t give us license to disobey Him in another!

We live in a country where we are blessed with the freedom to obey the laws. It’s our choice. Granted, my choice to turn against a yellow/red was a spontaneous one, but it was my choice nonetheless. It’s the same with God. We have the choice to first of all read His Word so we know the right choices to make, and then we have the freedom to make those choices. It’s completely up to us.

“But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15

“If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever—the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.” John 14:15-21

“This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world.” 1 John 5:3-4

Mozart, Gardens and God

Two days ago, as part of our homeschooling, my son Nicholas and I listened to Mozart’s opera “The Magic Flute.” As the music filled the air around us, and as Nicholas looked incredulous when the soprano playing the part of Princess Pamina flawlessly hit the staccato high notes, the issues of the day melted away. God in His purity alone emerged from the cloud of everyday isms, debates, problems, aches, distractions, conflicts, passions, rights, to-dos and obsessions.

Hearing this symphony took me back to being in my garden, one of the first places where God revealed Himself to me as the True Creator. As I watched a Monarch pull its crumpled self out of its golden chrysalis, and studied the mathematic-like patterns of flowers and learned how beans and peas take nitrogen from the air and hold it in the soil and Spotted Knapweed chemically changes the soil to discourage other plants--giving its own seedlings an advantage, I understood with my mind and heart Creation by True Intent. This was all way too sophisticated to be random.

The music of Mozart is also Creation by True Intent. None of it is random and all of it is meant for days like yesterday, when, through the orchestral genius God worked through a man named Mozart, I was reminded that it isn’t selfish to just enjoy God. In fact, it’s essential.

If someone came to me asking how to begin to see God, I would pair God’s Special Supernatural Revelation in His Word with His Natural Revelation, and plunk the person down in a garden of flowers with a Bible opened to the Book of John and earphones tuned to Mozart. Only a hardened heart would come away still believing in a random, self-centered and joyless world.

“Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion, for great is the Holy One of Israel among you." Isaiah 12:6

“You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence." Acts 2:28