Pettiness

Pettiness comes from a place of lack. Often this lack is the feeling of not being affirmed. 

For the person instigating pettiness, it is often due to insecurity at not feeling affirmed. 

We on the receiving end of someone else’s pettiness, when we allow it to bother us, do so because we are concerned about what the petty person thinks of us. And concern for what people think of us is tied to our need for affirmation.

Sometimes other people’s pettiness bothers us because of our sense of justice: we, or someone else, has been unfairly maligned, and we aren’t bothered so much as angered by our, or another’s, having been misunderstood.

Oftentimes, our reaction to pettiness is one of surprise:

“Really?” we say to ourselves. “You think about me (or someone else) enough to make that petty observation or comment, but you have never found the time to say even one positive thing about me (or someone else)?”

For the perpetually petty, everything in life is a molehill (minor difficulty), with many of those molehills, through the embellishment of sanctimony and self-righteousness, morphing into mountains that the piddling purveyors of “tsktsk” lustily climb and strive to conquer.

And when we are the brunt of the pettiness, it is often true that we react pettily in return.

In that way, pettiness begets pettiness.

What ought to have been slapped away like a pesky mosquito and quickly forgotten, what began as a personal taking of offense, is legitimized by our now being offended too!

In our defensiveness, we may protest that we are entirely justified, that in fact what one might claim to be petty is, to us, quite important. But is it? How can we know? How can we get to the place of waving off the mosquito if it indeed is a mosquito? And how can we get to the place of not being a mosquito ourself?

The dictionary defines "petty" as:

“of little or no importance or consequence”

“of lesser or secondary importance, merit, etc. minor”

“having or showing narrow ideas, interest, etc.”

“mean or ungenerous in small or trifling things”

“showing or caused by meanness of spirit”

We can test whether something is worth even giving a second thought by running it past these standards.

First, if we are the one tempted to be petty, we can ask ourselves,

“Why? Why am I about to speak a negative social commentary right now?”

Second, we can ask ourselves if articulating our potentially petty observation will benefit anyone, or instead merely reveal our arrogance and pride in wanting to lord our assumed superiority over others. Who, we can ask ourself, benefits from anything I might say? Me? And who, in my mind, loses? And if I esteem that I win, I might want to check myself to make sure that in the end, I don’t actually lose.

“He who restrains his words has knowledge,

And he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.

Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise;

When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.” Proverbs 17:27-28

“He who guards his mouth and his tongue,

Guards his soul from troubles.” Proverbs 21:23

“Words from the mouth of a wise man are gracious, while the lips of a fool consume him; the beginning of his talking is folly and the end of it is wicked madness. Yet the fool multiplies words. No man knows what will happen, and who can tell him what will come after him?” Ecclesiastes 10:12-14

Third, we can ask ourselves if we are correct in our estimation of the situation. Do we conclude and speak from a place of informed knowledge, or from the dubious place of hearsay? Do we have all the facts? And again, even if we do, is it actually necessary and beneficial to air our thoughts? (Return to the second point above).

For those on the receiving end of pettiness, we can ask ourselves the same questions as we weigh whether or not it is worth responding to a petty person, and whether we are going to allow ourselves to be inwardly hurt (offended) or concerned by what was said.

It is a matter of Godly discernment to distinguish between ridiculous attitudes and statements—those not deserving of any kind of recognition at all—and those which must be addressed firmly and briefly with a graceful word.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath,

But a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

This does not mean we commiserate with pettiness, join in condemnation of persons or things, or participate in gossip. It means we discount the comments by saying something good or true. We deflect the barb in a way that says “no further comment will be tolerated.”  

If the person has crossed the line of pettiness into serious and flagrant egregiousness: hurtful or defamatory to the point that it must duly be addressed, we do this also in grace, but privately. And be prepared that any going to a person to discuss matters and clear the air may only stir the pot more. It is up to our conscience before God whether or not something is worth addressing in private.

Proverbs is a wonderful place to find wisdom and calm when pulling our hair out over a perpetually petty person in our life.

We all have those people for whom everything we do will be a negative, along with everything everyone else does also. That is key to notice because sometimes we feel as though we are uniquely at the brunt of the petty person’s venom. However, taking a step back and observing them with others we quickly find that this person is shallow in regards to everyone. 

In that, we can begin to feel sorry for the one for whom everyone else is a threat to the point that they feel they must always attack first.

We cannot wash the insides of anyone. Only God can put a right Spirit within a person. And we must begin with allowing Him to do just that in ourselves.

God wills that we are not petty. That is our reason for wanting rid of such a demeaning and debilitating attitude. 

Since He wills that we forgo such childish dealings, we are empowered to give them up in lieu of the grace He has already placed within us in the form of His Holy Spirit, Who will always give us a way out when tempted (1 Corinthians 10:13).

The sin of offense grabs hold of our sense of self-protection and self-affirmation mightily, and feeds our area of lack like no other.

The more petty we are, and the more we allow other people’s pettiness to get under our skin, the more we can be sure that we are curtailing the winning over of our inner places of deprivation by God’s Spirit.

Copyright Barb Harwood

“The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom;

And with all your acquiring, get understanding.” Proverbs 4:7

“And the disciples were continually filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.” Acts 13:52

Base God on God

Some people never allow a relationship between themselves and God to develop because of the way supposed “Christians” treated them way back when, or due to the negative way they claim they see Christians and “the church” behaving now.

Maybe someone was a pregnant, unmarried teen and felt judged by a “Christian” family member, pastor, congregation or some other “Christian.”

Perhaps someone felt inadequate in some way and perceived a finger pointed at them by a “Christian.”

It could be that some folks, in loyalty to a friend or loved one, has heard of bad experiences with “the church” and Christians and has consequently co-opted, as if through osmosis, the same negative attitude.

I have two things to say in response:

1. Often it is one’s own judgment towards one’s self that is being displaced onto others. Many people discern their own guilt and then, as a defense mechanism, attribute any internal complicity to instead being a victim of Christian prudishness and closed-mindedness. 

2. Looking at how other “Christians” unfairly treated us or failed to love us only does one thing: it keeps us from looking at and seeing God. And that’s actually how many folks prefer things to stay: as long as I’m a victim, and the followers of God are the attackers, I’m off the hook for having to even take the time to investigate God or the Bible.

People spend decades remembering or reimagining how people have treated them, thus blocking all opportunities to learn how God actually does and desires to treat people. Their worldview of the past and people in the past prevents them from getting to know God now. They are missing out.

I’ve no doubt that Christians, including myself, have wronged people. But Christians aren’t God.

I heard a great story over the weekend:

A man out riding his bike was chased and bitten by a dog. The cyclist went to discuss the incident with the dog owner, and after hearing the facts of what took place, the dog owner responded,

“Well, he’s just a dog.”

To which the man on the bike answered, 
“That’s why I’m talking to you.”

We may have been “bitten” by people: gossiped about, misunderstood, cheated on, lied to and yes, even judged (fairly or unfairly).

But people, even Christian people, are just people. Which is why we talk to God. Which is why we get to know God. Which is why our faith and life are in God, not people or their opinions, experiences and judgments.

One isn’t really rejecting God if they don’t even know the truth about Him.

All one is rejecting is the god of someone else’s assessment, or the god who, we tell ourselves, failed us in our unpleasant episode with “the church.”

But Jesus presents a better way:

“Jesus went out, along with his disciples, to the villages of Caesarea Philippi; and on the way He questioned His disciples, saying to them, ‘Who do people say that I am?’ They told Him, saying, ‘John the Baptist; and others say Elijah; but others, one of the prophets.’ And he continued by questioning them, ‘But who do you say that I am?’ Peter answered and said to Him, ‘You are the Christ.’” Mark 8:27-29

copyright Barb Harwood

Matthew 28

"Now after the Sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary came to look at the grave. And behold, a severe earthquake had occurred, for an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and came and rolled away the stone and sat upon it. And his appearance was like lightening, and his clothing as white as snow. The guards shook for fear of him and became like dead men. The angel said to the women, 'Do not be afraid; for I know that you are looking for Jesus who has been crucified. He is not here, for He has risen, just as He said. Come, see the place where He was lying. Go quickly and tell His disciples that He has risen from the dead; and behold, He is going ahead of you into Galilee, there you will see Him; behold, I have told you.' 

And they left the tomb quickly with fear and great joy and ran to report it to His disciples. And behold, Jesus met them and greeted them. And they came up and took hold of His feet and worshiped Him. Then Jesus said to them, 'Do not be afraid; go and take word to My brethren to leave for Galilee, and they will see Me.'

Now while they were on their way, some of the guard came into the city and reported to the chief priests all that had happened. And when they had assembled with the elders and consulted together, they gave a large sum of money to the soldiers, and said, 'You are to say, "His disciples came by night and stole Him away while we were asleep." And if this should come to the governor's ears, we will win Him over and keep you out of trouble.' And they took the money and did as they had been instructed; and this story was widely spread among the Jews, and is to this day.

But the eleven disciples proceeded to Galilee, to the mountain which Jesus had designated. When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some were doubtful. And Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, 'All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.'" 
The Word of the Lord, Matthew 28

Forgiveness

Jesus' laying down of His life in the crucifixion, which believers will mark at the end of this week on Good Friday, is what makes possible forgiveness and new life. 

So I thought I would post some excerpts from an excellent article on forgiveness written by James Cain of In Touch Ministries, titled, The Field Guide to Forgiveness.

Here are the highlights from the article. (I have underlined his words in places, for emphasis). 

“In the end, forgiveness often changes the one forgiving more than the one being pardoned. This is true because forgiveness forces us to admit our powerlessness and trust God...."

"Pursuing vengeance makes us feel strong, empowered. Forgiving, on the other hand, acknowledges that we may not receive the 'justice' we thought we deserved."

"Change also happens because forgiveness creates space for restored fellowship. Giving up our claim against the offender moves us from weakness to strength, as we invite the peace of the Holy Spirit to restore our relationship with God and neighbor. Denying forgiveness, on the other hand, breaks fellowship not only with our adversary, but also with our Father (Mark 11:25)."

"When we forgive, we make renewed relationship possible, if not with the person we forgive, then with the Person who has forgiven us."

"The apostle Paul suggests that our duty to forgive others depends on recalling the pardon we received from God. ‘As the Lord forgave you,’ he writes, ‘you do also’ (Col. 3:13). Not only should we remember that God forgives us; we should also imitate how He does it: graciously, freely, and completely."

"We might be tempted to keep a ‘record of wrongs,’ but love precludes that (1 Col. 13:5). The unbelieving world tends to nurse grudges against whoever has wronged them, but as followers of Jesus, we forgive freely, without expecting anything in return.”

"...forgiveness requires gracious inward action before we can pursue gracious outward action...Much of this internal work can be done without the offender’s knowledge."

(We must) “actively and energetically oppose the natural inclination toward assaulting the other person, physically or verbally, or withdrawing from relationship with him. Either approach is a way of withholding forgiveness and will impede the healing process for both people."

"Avoid assaulting or withdrawing from others by looking for opportunities to celebrate your offender’s successes. Do not rejoice when he suffers, but grieve along with him. Prayerfully seek to ‘relieve’ the person, and seek the right moment for reconciliation. All this heart work will enable you, when the time comes, to offer authentic forgiveness."

“...the work of forgiveness begins with a prayer to remember God’s grace towards you. One of the Holy Spirit’s tasks is to ‘convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment’ (John 16:8). He alone can bring about the change of heart necessary to see your own sin, to recognize Christ’s righteousness, and to see that judgment belongs to God alone."

"Ask God to show you your sin and remind you of His grace...mindful of your own faults, ask for and extend forgiveness. Pray for the well-being of the wrongdoer—not just that he’d see the error of his ways, but that God would protect and prosper him."

"Offer mercy quickly, leave justice to God, and make sure you don’t allow resentment to find fertile soil.”  

By James Cain, from the article, The Field Guide to Forgiveness.

Read it in its entirety here:

https://thecounselingmoment.wordpress.com/2011/09/10/the-field-guide-to-forgiveness/

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us." Ephesians 1:7-8a

"And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors." Matthew 6:12

Taking Stock, Seventeen Years Into My Faith in Christ

It's been seventeen years that I've been re-born in Christ.

And while the spiritual trek goes on, it emanates now more from a place of victory, not defeat.

When I first started out with Christ, in my distress I called upon the Lord (Psalm 18:6). The Lord answered, and over the course of years, set me in the spacious place of today (Psalm 18:19).

"He rescued me, because He delighted in me" (Psalm 18:19). 

He delights in me, and all Christians, because of Christ.

And that has caused laughter and joy to increasingly prevail as He has triumphed over all the ways I knowingly or unknowingly attempted to keep myself separate from God. 

Not that I am no longer a sinner, I am. 

But God's purifying Hand allows me to go forth having put past failures--and all the things that sin and flesh allowed to get under my skin during the last seventeen years--to bed. 

Despair and human fear have been assuaged, because 

"...I know that my Redeemer lives,

And at the last He will take His stand on earth" (Job 19:25). 

The surety of one's standing in Christ is not a place of pride; it is a place of utter contrition and gratefulness, of wisdom and love.

If I had to give an elevator-pitch synopsis of my faith walk thus far, I would go to Isaiah 6:5-8:

“Then I said, ‘Woe is me, for I am ruined!

Because I am a man of unclean lips,

And I live among a people of unclean lips;

For my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts.’

Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a burning coal in his hand, which he had taken from the altar with tongs. He touched my mouth with it and said, ‘Behold, this has touched your lips; and your iniquity is taken away and your sin is forgiven.’

Then I heard the voice of the LORD, saying, ‘Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?’ Then I said, ‘Here am I. Send me!’ 

I, like Isaiah, began in woe, realizing I am a woman of unclean lips--in other words, a sinner. 

And then I struggled in the ensuing years of living among a people of unclean lips--in other words, sinners. 

God would take me through the ringer of testing, encouraging and teaching so that, not only would my eyes see my King for the first time, but would remain fixed on the King at all times. 

And in that school of Hard Knocks, as I like to call it, I discovered that the same refining process I've been through is still yet to come for many unrepentant and unbelieving people. 

And that is something I'm not going to change overnight, or possibly at all. But that's okay, because it isn't up to me. 

That doesn't mean I turn my back on the world, complacent. It means I turn to God expectant and trusting in Him alone.  

Notice how Isaiah simply says, "Here I am. Send me!" 

It's taken me seventeen years to finally figure that out. And not only that, but to be perfectly content with those five little words.

So that is how I will go forth. In the refined spacious place of sweetness and joy, of non-Quixotic compassion and clarity, and with no agenda or selfish ambition whatsoever of my own, I now simply say, "Here I am. Send me!"

copyright Barb Harwood

"...not having a righteousness of my own...but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already attained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:9, in part, through verse 14.

"Teach me Your way, Oh LORD;

I will walk in Your truth; 

Unite my heart to fear Your name.

I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,

And will glorify Your name forever.

For your lovingkindness toward me is great,

And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol." Psalm 86:11-13