Pettiness

Pettiness comes from a place of lack. Often this lack is the feeling of not being affirmed. 

For the person instigating pettiness, it is often due to insecurity at not feeling affirmed. 

We on the receiving end of someone else’s pettiness, when we allow it to bother us, do so because we are concerned about what the petty person thinks of us. And concern for what people think of us is tied to our need for affirmation.

Sometimes other people’s pettiness bothers us because of our sense of justice: we, or someone else, has been unfairly maligned, and we aren’t bothered so much as angered by our, or another’s, having been misunderstood.

Oftentimes, our reaction to pettiness is one of surprise:

“Really?” we say to ourselves. “You think about me (or someone else) enough to make that petty observation or comment, but you have never found the time to say even one positive thing about me (or someone else)?”

For the perpetually petty, everything in life is a molehill (minor difficulty), with many of those molehills, through the embellishment of sanctimony and self-righteousness, morphing into mountains that the piddling purveyors of “tsktsk” lustily climb and strive to conquer.

And when we are the brunt of the pettiness, it is often true that we react pettily in return.

In that way, pettiness begets pettiness.

What ought to have been slapped away like a pesky mosquito and quickly forgotten, what began as a personal taking of offense, is legitimized by our now being offended too!

In our defensiveness, we may protest that we are entirely justified, that in fact what one might claim to be petty is, to us, quite important. But is it? How can we know? How can we get to the place of waving off the mosquito if it indeed is a mosquito? And how can we get to the place of not being a mosquito ourself?

The dictionary defines "petty" as:

“of little or no importance or consequence”

“of lesser or secondary importance, merit, etc. minor”

“having or showing narrow ideas, interest, etc.”

“mean or ungenerous in small or trifling things”

“showing or caused by meanness of spirit”

We can test whether something is worth even giving a second thought by running it past these standards.

First, if we are the one tempted to be petty, we can ask ourselves,

“Why? Why am I about to speak a negative social commentary right now?”

Second, we can ask ourselves if articulating our potentially petty observation will benefit anyone, or instead merely reveal our arrogance and pride in wanting to lord our assumed superiority over others. Who, we can ask ourself, benefits from anything I might say? Me? And who, in my mind, loses? And if I esteem that I win, I might want to check myself to make sure that in the end, I don’t actually lose.

“He who restrains his words has knowledge,

And he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.

Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise;

When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.” Proverbs 17:27-28

“He who guards his mouth and his tongue,

Guards his soul from troubles.” Proverbs 21:23

“Words from the mouth of a wise man are gracious, while the lips of a fool consume him; the beginning of his talking is folly and the end of it is wicked madness. Yet the fool multiplies words. No man knows what will happen, and who can tell him what will come after him?” Ecclesiastes 10:12-14

Third, we can ask ourselves if we are correct in our estimation of the situation. Do we conclude and speak from a place of informed knowledge, or from the dubious place of hearsay? Do we have all the facts? And again, even if we do, is it actually necessary and beneficial to air our thoughts? (Return to the second point above).

For those on the receiving end of pettiness, we can ask ourselves the same questions as we weigh whether or not it is worth responding to a petty person, and whether we are going to allow ourselves to be inwardly hurt (offended) or concerned by what was said.

It is a matter of Godly discernment to distinguish between ridiculous attitudes and statements—those not deserving of any kind of recognition at all—and those which must be addressed firmly and briefly with a graceful word.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath,

But a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

This does not mean we commiserate with pettiness, join in condemnation of persons or things, or participate in gossip. It means we discount the comments by saying something good or true. We deflect the barb in a way that says “no further comment will be tolerated.”  

If the person has crossed the line of pettiness into serious and flagrant egregiousness: hurtful or defamatory to the point that it must duly be addressed, we do this also in grace, but privately. And be prepared that any going to a person to discuss matters and clear the air may only stir the pot more. It is up to our conscience before God whether or not something is worth addressing in private.

Proverbs is a wonderful place to find wisdom and calm when pulling our hair out over a perpetually petty person in our life.

We all have those people for whom everything we do will be a negative, along with everything everyone else does also. That is key to notice because sometimes we feel as though we are uniquely at the brunt of the petty person’s venom. However, taking a step back and observing them with others we quickly find that this person is shallow in regards to everyone. 

In that, we can begin to feel sorry for the one for whom everyone else is a threat to the point that they feel they must always attack first.

We cannot wash the insides of anyone. Only God can put a right Spirit within a person. And we must begin with allowing Him to do just that in ourselves.

God wills that we are not petty. That is our reason for wanting rid of such a demeaning and debilitating attitude. 

Since He wills that we forgo such childish dealings, we are empowered to give them up in lieu of the grace He has already placed within us in the form of His Holy Spirit, Who will always give us a way out when tempted (1 Corinthians 10:13).

The sin of offense grabs hold of our sense of self-protection and self-affirmation mightily, and feeds our area of lack like no other.

The more petty we are, and the more we allow other people’s pettiness to get under our skin, the more we can be sure that we are curtailing the winning over of our inner places of deprivation by God’s Spirit.

Copyright Barb Harwood

“The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom;

And with all your acquiring, get understanding.” Proverbs 4:7

“And the disciples were continually filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.” Acts 13:52