Why Trying to Control People Never Works

 

This is a great quote from the book, Pastoral Counseling by V. James Mannoia

“…change comes about when the individual perceives his own newly experienced self. Behavior is consistent with self-concept, and the most efficient way to change is to alter the self-concept. Maturation and learning are integrally involved in this process of change.”

Many people don’t change because they buy-into either the perception of themselves sent by a control freak, or the control freak's setting up a prison of ease. 

And while many control freaks say they want so-and-so to change or meet new challenges, their actual signals and actions often point in the very opposite direction. Thus, those who control create a cycle of dependence and inferiority in the controlled-one’s life.

In other words, the change they are wishing to see transpire in their spouse, child, adult-child, friend or family member often does not come about because of the very tight leash the controlling person holds them back on.

This leash is either the sending of a message that the controlled person cannot change on their own, is not capable of anything new, or will always be the same person—behaving and garnering the same results—as they have in the past. 

The leash can also be one of fear: so that, even though the controlling person desires positive progress for their loved one, they are terrified of letting their loved one go free in order for them to make the attempt at a maturing life; an attempt sure to include the very mistakes that will lead to a newly experienced self and personal change in behavior for the better.

Either way, control stymies and makes miserable: not only the person being controlled, but the person holding the reigns (or thinking that they do).

Copyright Barb Harwood

Forgiveness is the Route to "Being the Change"

When we live and perhaps have existed for a very long time with a gripe, a victimhood, a wrong having been done to us; when we possess a worldview that clashes with another person’s worldview, forgiveness can be a tough pill to swallow. 

In fact, many people who profess to be forgiving types often don’t even notice how clenched their fists are around an unforgiving attitude. 

Because when it comes to forgiveness, we have to, albeit grudgingly at times, admit a couple of things:

1. Either we were wrong, and we must ask for forgiveness, which may entail forgiving someone else for their lesser offense in the exchange.

2. Or, we must forgive someone else for being or having been wrong, at least in our perspective of things, whether that means forgiving them actually or just within our own mindset, and between us and God.

3. It could mean we forgive a nation for voting for a public figure with whom we vehemently disagree or for whom we hold a strong personal dislike. Forgiveness here means we allow ourselves to set aside our personal self-righteousness in order to try to understand where other people are coming from. We allow that not everybody thinks or sees things the way we do, and that if and when justice is called for we will stand firm, but in value systems of personal moral choice, we agree to peacefully disagree.

People will ask about injustice. How do we forgive that?

We begin by breaking down the stereotypes in our own mindset, the stereotypes we have set in stone in our heads that say “once a failure, always a failure;” “once wronged by so and so, always wronged by so and so.” 

We open our eyes to the progress already achieved, and launch from there to progress hoped for, believing it, too, can come to pass. 

We especially remove the blinders to our own faults and point the finger more at ourselves and less at others. 

If we espouse social justice as a high priority, we nix the complaining and do more than just cast a vote to effect change. 

We physically move to places where we feel we can have a positive impact. 

We mentor. 

We spend time and energy working alongside the disenfranchised, the marginalized—anyone for whom we feel “the system” or politicians are not doing enough. 

We walk the walk of grievances we love to interject into conversations, family dinners, and holiday parties. We become as passionate about regular, consistent showing-up in often mundane, non-publicly observable ways as we do about placing banners and signs in our yard. 

I believe that actually doing something (as opposed to saying or even voting something) means we stop manufacturing a spirit of un-forgiveness through our constant harping about how everyone else isn’t working hard enough or in the right way. 

If we feel that strongly and are so convinced we have all of the answers, then we get out there and do it ourselves. 

Perhaps, after spending some time on the front lines of effecting change, we’ll be a bit more contrite in our estimations of others when we finally see first-hand how very difficult change can be, corporately and individually. 

Perhaps then real forgiveness will dawn on us.

Forgiveness, in a nutshell, begins with humility: that even if we cannot acknowledge our own phases of dysfunction—phases that ultimately lead to growth and maturity—that even if we cannot own our own mis-steps and social faux pas, we can, in the oft-bantered about “let there be peace on earth” forgive others theirs, taking note of the next words of that famous lyric, “and let it begin with me.”

When people wax poetic and earnestly wear,

 “Be the change you want to see in the world” 

on their sleeve, do they see that this is exactly where forgiveness begins?

Copyright Barb Harwood

 

Welcoming the Present in Order to Move on From the Past

Personal transformation is challenged, and often thwarted, when we, or others, keep ourselves in the past.

When that happens, we—along with those who pigeonhole us into the person we used to be—are backward-invested rather than present-invested. What hope is there, then, of any future investment if we cannot even get past yesterday to today?

Warren Wiersbe has some great things to say about this, especially in regard to the Apostle Paul—a man who not only promoted, but also lived, the adage, “Don’t look back”:

“When he became a Christian, it was not the end for Paul, but the beginning.”

“And this experience continued in the years to follow. It was a personal experience (‘that I may know Him…’) as Paul walked with Christ, prayed, obeyed His will, and sought to glorify His name…now he had a Friend, a Master, a constant Companion!”

“There were things in Paul’s past that could have been weights to hold him back (1 Tim 1:12-17), but they became inspirations to speed him ahead. The events did not change but his understanding of them changed.”

“So, ‘forgetting those things which are behind’…means that we break the power of the past…We cannot change the past but we can change the meaning of the past.”

“‘To forget’ in the Bible means ‘no longer to be influenced by or affected by.’”

“Too many Christians are shackled by regrets of the past. They are trying to run the race by looking backward!….'The things which are behind' must be set aside and ‘the things which are before’ must take their place.”

I find it appropriate that Wiersbe titled the book in which these quotes appear, Be Joyful.

Because joy and freedom from our past are inextricably linked.

This freedom also entails paying no mind to those who, out of their own warped pride of needing to nurse old wounds, or out of ignorance that some people actually do change for the better, or because they feel jealous of or threatened by the improvements in our character, refuse to live in the present with us. 

And sometimes, they just don't like the "better" version of us! So be it. 

My husband once said, referring to the early months of my faith,

“I noticed the bus was leaving. And I wasn’t on it.” 

Thankfully, as he observed and was a benefactor of the positive difference in me, he eventually did get on the bus, about a year later. 

And that is where we both still find ourselves, side by side, having the best time ever in our lives, today, in the here and in the now. 

Copyright Barb Harwood

Individual and Group Humility Can Still Work Today

“I often reckon with the very fact that I was such a small pebble in a large stream of thousands and thousands of men who went to fight this war.” James Martin Feezel 

Jim Feezel was a U.S. Army veteran of World War II, who drove a tank that broke through one of the main Dachau concentration camp gates on April 29th, 1945. His action was one of the immeasurable acts that led to and made possible the freeing of 30,000 prisoners. 

This quote defines humility in a way not often observable today. 

Feezel reveals an understanding of himself and his place in the world as no less than or greater than the next person’s, but as one individual in a collective of individuals from all walks of life, political leanings and personal backgrounds, who had no problem working as a companion in attaining something so much larger than all of them. 

I believe this attitude, which to me conveys the idea that, although the soldiers were spread out in their platoons, most likely never to meet one another, they were convinced that each one of them was in it just the same. And that, all of them, though individually scattered across fields and forests, could, as one large force of unwavering integrity for the cause—each man in agreement on the big picture of what needs to happen—keep moving forward.

This attitude, so beautifully modeled, is what will still work today, given a chance. 

Jim Fezeel passed away on Thursday, October 15, 2020, at the age of 95. 

We thank you, James, for your service. Godspeed. 

Copyright Barb Harwood

Common Sense and Calm, Please

Joseph Epstein, in his collection of essays titled Narcissus Leaves the Pool, writes:

"The cultivated not only know a great deal but, more important, they know what is significant--they know, not to put too fine a point on it, what is really worth knowing.

Part of being a cultivated person is knowing what to forget...The cultivated person is good at the act of extrapolation: at imagining the unknown on the evidence of the known. He has a strong historical sense, so that he tends to be less impressed by the crisis of the week that agitates the news media, which they in turn use to agitate the rest of us. From his historical sense, he knows that this caravan has passed before, and that another, not very different one will pass through next week and another the week after that."

"The allegiance to common sense implies an automatic diminution of zeal."

The above quotes from Joseph Epstein could not be more applicable to our time.

Evil is a Privation of Good

The idea that evil is the absence of goodness has been shared and discussed by various authors, in various places.

Therefore, I cannot cite one person as being "the one" who arrived at this thought. 

However, who came up with it isn't as important as the idea itself, because I believe that this definition of evil as being the absence of something is the only definition of evil that even comes close to making any sense, or perhaps more appropriately, explains why "bad" things happen to "good" people, or why negative states of being can exist at all. 

Norm Geisler looks to Aquinas to formulate a conception of evil:

"Aquinas is quick to note that privation is not the same as absence. Sight is absent in a stone as well as a blind person. But absence in a stone is not privation. Privation is the lack of something that ought to be there. Since the stone by nature ought not to see, it is not deprived of sight as is a blind person. Evil then is the deprivation of some good that ought to be there." Norm Geisler

Author Keith Ogorek, in his book, A Clear View, expounds on the above:

"Evil is not something, but is rather a privation of a good thing that God has made."

He goes on to show how the following conclusion--drawn by many and used often in their opposition to God--is flawed:

1. God is the creator of everything.
2. Evil is something.
3. Therefore, God is the author of evil.

This is incorrect, according to Ogorek, in that evil is not a thing and therefore God did not create it.

"It is vital to have a right definition of good (because) it clarifies our understanding of evil. Recall that we said evil is a privation of good. Therefore, if we are unclear as to what is good, we will be unsure of what is evil." 

He goes on to make a great point about pantheism:

"This is the idea that the universe taken or conceived of as a whole, is God. So God is not an independent being. Rather the combined materials and forces that make up the world constitute God. In this view, God's nature is diminished while material nature is elevated, for we and everything around us possess some degree of 'goodness.' This view also suggests that God is not immutable or unchanging, for as matter decays, so does God." 

Jesus makes clear that all goodness derives from God--that nothing in and of itself is good (Mark 10:18). 

And if pantheism were true, that the world and people in it are inherently good, then logically speaking, why would evil even have a chance? This innate goodness would win the day, wouldn't you think? But when posed with this question, people don't have an answer because they can't comprehend a lack of goodness in anything, including themselves.

Scripture supports the view of evil as presented here by Geisler and Ogorek:

"Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good." Romans 12:9b

Because just as evil is the privation of goodness, goodness is the privation of evil. When we cling to goodness, we deprive evil a foothold.

"Never pay back evil for evil to anyone." Romans 12:17a

Because the only way to curtail or to end evil, is to stop it in its tracks. 

Evil as a lack of goodness directed at us ends when we do not retaliate. To lack goodness for the express purpose of creating evil, even when directed at a person who would legitimately seem to deserve it, only circulates more evil.

And I will say, justice (one of God's attributes) is not the dishing out of evil. A prison sentence, monetary fine, or a divorce granted due to the abuse (evil) perpetrated by a spouse are righteous consequences for a lack of living out goodness--in other words, for the living out of evil by choice. 

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21

Do not be overcome by a lack of goodness, but overcome a lack of goodness with good.



copyright Barb Harwood

C.S. Lewis: We Fear Because We Struggle

I came across this quote of C.S. Lewis today, a day on which I am once again at odds with God in regard to His peace, which I had received from Him earlier in the week regarding a matter, but which my wandering mind has managed to mess up. 

Here is the quote:

“Though we struggle against things because we are afraid of them, it is often the other way round—we get afraid because we struggle. Are you struggling, resisting? Don’t you think our Lord says to you ‘Peace, child, peace. Relax. Let go. Underneath are the everlasting arms. Let go, I will catch you. Do you trust me so little?’” C.S. Lewis

What do we struggle against, thereby instilling fear?

Family gatherings? Our being the scapegoat or outcast in our family? Holidays? Winter? Sickness? Gaining weight? Having an accident? Rejection? A political outcome which we don’t agree with and believe we cannot live with?

Think about it: because we struggle so in our attempt to prevent something coming true, the very daunting nature of our struggle infuses us with a fear of the outcome. 

We struggle, which can be a form of wanting and needing to control. 

The struggle becomes one of self versus another entity or person, and creates fear because we’ve put a value on either our ability to influence outcomes, or the very outcome itself (which can be magnified, in turn, by our sometimes dramatic imaginations and craving for excitement, even negative excitement). 

“I just can’t live with outcome A,” we say.

“Life will never be the same with outcome B.”

“I will never get relief from this situation. Everything I do fails. I'm running out of ideas.”

“So and so needs to listen to me or else such and such is sure to happen.” 

“The struggle regarding such and such is so difficult, I am afraid…..(fill in the blank).

To say “let go and let God” is no remedy and I wince every time I hear that phrase so patly tossed into the air like so many rose petals at a wedding. 

What C.S.Lewis is advocating is a relationship with God that is built up over years of going through thick and thin together, of growing in the knowledge of who, exactly, God is and the experiencing of personal transformations which God alone is capable of bringing about. 

In this context with God, we one day find ourselves trusting Him implicitly.

We no longer desire to trust ourselves, our situation, our country, our government, our family or our friends for what God alone is capable of: and that is our peace. 

I can confide in a dear friend. I can cry with my spouse and share my deepest frustrations. I can vote. I can advocate. 

But none of that can provide the peace that goes beyond understanding and removes fear: the peace of God that arrives with our trust.

When fear is removed through His peace, struggle, too, disappears, replaced by perseverance and confidence. 

We trust Him in the moment, and live those moments out, one at a time.

copyright Barb Harwood

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30.