A Defensive Heart is a Hardened Heart

I have come to understand God’s way of peace through reconciliation. 

First, Salvation is being reconciled through faith in God in Christ through Christ’s death for us on the Cross (and not by our works: sola fide). 

God says that we are also to be reconciled to each other (2 Corinthians 5:18; Matthew 18:21-22; James 3:14-18)). 

And He also says we are to be reconciled to our self (2 Corinthians 5:16-21).

Through the utter coming to the end of myself, I, thankfully, count myself among the Christians who have experienced all three instances of reconciliation.

I am reconciled to God in Christ.

I am reconciled to and with myself in Christ.

I am mutually reconciled to some people in Christ.

I say “some” because I am not mutually reconciled to others. However, after many years, I have  become reconciled with myself and God in regards to those people.

And now I understand Christ’s tears over those who “would not” (Matthew 23:37): those who wanted nothing to do with His reconciliation.

This is a marvel, since Jesus never did anything to cause their “would nots.”

But I have. 

I have caused others to not want to have anything to do with me. 

I have caused others to hurt.

I have caused people to wince and roll their eyes.

I have caused embarrassment—knowingly or ignorantly—participated in one-upmanship, used the silent treatment out of self-righteous anger and put my foot in my mouth too many times to count…..

In short, I have been the cause of the need to be reconciled with people in the first place!

And so have all of us (if we think we haven’t, then we need to go back to the first reconciliation—that with God through and in Christ).

“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). 

No one is righteous or good in and of themselves (Romans 3:9-20).

So it’s not surprising to me to have an offer of reconciliation met with sarcasm, skepticism, resentment, disbelief, incredulousness and “you gotta be kidding me’s.”

But the offer for reconciliation, in order to continue on in sanctification with Christ, must at some point be made. 

And God will allow us to finally submit that offer when we give the circumstances entirely over to Him via full-on agreement with His full estimation of the situation and our, and others, roll in it. 

I praise God that that reconciliation has come, face to face, one-on-one, over coffee or in an exchange of letters or emails, with some people. 

In this, I have experienced forgiveness. 

More importantly, for true reconciliation to take place, I have received their acceptance of my fallenness, my sin and my selfish pride. The reconciliation took place because they owned my faults with me and didn’t deny me in this. They didn’t try to brush off their own discomfort by saying “Oh, don’t worry about it,” or “You didn’t do anything wrong,” or “I know you’re a good person.”

Because comments like that leave the person who is saying them going away usually thinking and believing the total opposite: 

“What a jerk. They think they can just apologize and everything is okay?” Or “It was nice that they attempted to own up to their mistakes, but seriously, why did they make that stupid mistake in the first place?” 

Do you see how this form of  “reconciliation” is a surface level parody? The only thing it breeds is more resentment, while the person who has apologized is thinking everything’s swell when it’s not.

True reconciliation takes place like this:

In honest, genuine contrition, we admit our sin and ask forgiveness. We lay the groundwork for this to happen by inviting the person to come into our life one-on-one so we can begin the dialogue. 

This is what we have with Christ. We invite Him in in utmost contrition, convinced, finally, that we are fallen and can’t remove our own sin from our selves or our life, and we cannot remove it from others. 

And Christ continues this relationship with us here, although we are yet sinners, and perfectly, in eternity. 

Reconciliation with ourselves happens next. Finally understanding that we don’t--and can’t--save ourselves, or reconcile ourself to ourself, we accept Christ’s gift to face into who we were, who we are now in Christ, and who we can and are, becoming in Christ. 

This is something that is now safe to do because Christ, via His Holy Spirit, does it in us.

Ultimately, we do this with others by inviting them out for coffee. By telling them we love them in spite of differences. By reminding them that, although things may have been dicey between us, we have not forgotten them. 

And we actively hope and pray that they will take us up on our invitation. We desire that, just as we knocked and Christ opened the door, they will walk through the door we’ve opened for them (but if they have never walked through Christ’s door, this might yet be impossible for them).

But it is up to them to walk. They have to want to accept the invitation. They have to desire to face into an honest assessment of the situation, the relationship, our self and their self. 

Christ does not force anyone. And neither do we.

In tears Jesus looked out over Jerusalem and lamented that they would not let themselves know the truth (Luke 19:41, Matthew 23:37). 

And they would not because of hearts hardened by defensiveness. 

People do not understand the concept of pride as a negative. 

In our society, just as in Bible times, people were raised to take pride in themselves, their family line, their occupation, their wealth, their beauty, their passions, their intellect, and their independence. 

So when confronted with the truth about themselves, which Christ revealed—and still does to us today in His Word—they wanted to stone, chase out of town and malign Him and His followers and refute and corrupt His teaching. 

They were in full protective mode of their hearts that could not bear the threat that He and His followers, and His wisdom, posed. 

They sensed that if they listened to this Man they would no longer be in control of themselves or others. They would no longer be the pride of their own life. They could no longer maintain the high regard for themselves, their lineage, their education, their marriage into a respected family, their income, their self-righteousness. They could no longer deny an honest assessment of their actual condition.

Therefore, they defended themselves and their thoughts, feelings and opinions at all costs.

In favor of a hardened heart, they paid the ultimate price and forfeited new life with Christ, His forgiveness and peace, and reconciliation with our Father God.

I have sent invites; many of us have. 

I have said, “I love you in spite of our troubles.” I have affirmed that “I have not forgotten you but recall you fondly.” 

For some, as it would have been for me at one time, this is just too much to ask, again, especially if we have at times been the one pushing or pulling away. 

Just because healing has taken place for us through Christ (and it may have taken many years), does not mean others are ready, especially if they do not have the understanding of what true reconciliation is because they have not yet been reconciled to God through Christ and thus, have not been reconciled with themselves.

But we can still be reconciled to them before God.

God says,

 “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). 

We can sleep like a baby, and finally experience the deep and lasting joy of having—in all contrition, sincerity and hope—sent the invitation to reconciliation. 

Our burden no longer exists, knowing that, from our end, the door remains open and will remain open. And that this time, it is real, not an “ought to” (although it may start as that, and that’s okay because we are at least beginning with obedience, which often opens the door to greater insight and knowledge about God’s processes).” 

The reconciliation we then have even with those who stubbornly refuse it is still reconciliation because our hearts, through the power of Christ and His Spirit alone, and through our repeated requests to God, have been cleansed of all unrighteousness towards these individuals (Psalm 51:10). 

And that, as cousin Eddy says in the comedy movie Christmas Vacation, “Is the gift that keeps on giving.”

If rejected or ignored, our invite remains an unconditional offer:  without  pushing, pulling, forcing, guilting, cajoling or enabling. 

We graciously leave them to themselves in our love, going on in their lives at a distance in the peace of Christ, and in gratitude for and embracing of the reconciliation that has occurred, and confident that only Christ can soften a hardened, defensive heart. 

We know that because He softened ours. 

Copyright Barb Harwood