Often in life, many misunderstandings, hurt feelings and antagonistic responses could be entirely avoided if we had the maturity and integrity to respect someone instead of demanding that we understand them.
So, for instance, if a friend seems “distant” but doesn’t want to go into the details about it with us, can we, out of love for them (the love we are always signing our cards with, and implying in our relationship)—can we love them enough to respect them and their need/preference/choice to be “distant” without their providing any further information? Can we give people their space, in whatever form that takes (as long as it isn’t life threatening or injurious to themselves or others?)
Many well-meaning folks have misconstrued their own need to be affirmed and confided in as “compassion for others” and “putting other people first.”
In reality, when we demand that people “open up” to us, “be honest” with us,” and “come to us with every aspect of their lives,” what we’re often insisting upon is not being shut-out. We want to be the “in” person, and we want any doubts about ourself assuaged by their constant reassurance that we are one of the most important people in their life.
In the end, what this means is that our relationship with the other person has been built upon a form of admiration that prioritizes us being admired, highly regarded and called upon. We want to be needed and spent time with at the cost of recognizing the other person’s boundaries and desires.
True friendship, however, is a two-way street, and the minute one person asserts themself with a new need, way of looking at things or interacting, and the other person’s only response is to take it personally in the negative, then the true colors of that relationship come flying through: the “friendship” was never about two people, but one.
A true friend does not have the right to put a friend on the defensive in the name of “trying to understand” them, or to “get to the bottom” of what might be bothering them or causing this new development in the friendship.
This is merely a desperate manipulation to commandeer the friend “back to the way things were,” hoping to sabotage the source of the distance in the friendship.
If it works, the other person is no longer a friend, but a doormat (most likely with the ending of the friendship only postponed to a later date).
If it doesn’t work, what could have ended in mutual honor and dignity implodes in self-centered hostility.
A true friend, and friendship, however, will operate out of the wisdom and love to respect one another, even if one friend is changing to the point that they are putting distance in the friendship.
The difficult question is, can we allow another person to grow out of friendship with us without the closing credits being a melt-down?
Can we let a friend set themselves free if that is what they truly want and need?
Can we keep the door open (by being respectful) without the expectation that the friend will ever walk through that door again?
The reality is, many dating relationships, marriages, sibling connections and yes, even friendships, end, or, at minimum, go through a time of testing and need for space.
If we think we are entitled to keep a friend beyond their desire to be in a close relationship with us, we perhaps have answered our own question as to what kind of friend we’ve really been all along—the kind whose main priority and focus has been ourself.
From a Biblical perspective, the Godly call in tough situations such as the need for a friend to have space, without explanation, is to “clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.'” (1 Peter 5:b, quoting Proverbs11:31)
It is this God-ordained and instilled humility that allows us to fulfill His other call—that of, “so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Romans 12:18).
If people do not want to provide explanations, then our cornering them or reacting hyper-sensitively out of self-absorption will not lead to peace, because coercion is never a humble stance to take.
The stance of humility, on the other hand, does lead to and maintain peace because it shows proper respect to everyone (1 Peter 2:17).
The thing that leads to dissension and anger among people is the refusal to respect, to agree to disagree and not insist on our own way (1 Corinthians 13:5).
Losing a friend, or experiencing a change in the dynamic of a relationship, can be difficult, sad and painful. But when received and accepted with respect out of a Godly love for the other person, we come to an inner and outer peace in the truth that
“There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—“(Ecclesiastes 3:1).
If we read the entirety of Ecclesiastes 3, we come to appreciate the ebb and flow of life, including the ebb and flow of relationships among a constantly morphing people.
Only then will we love—not only the other person as a child of God, but ourselves as a child of God—enough to respectfully let the friendship run its course, even if that course has culminated in the friendship's final resting place.
Copyright Barb Harwood
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