Did you ever have a conversation with someone that turned out to be a one-way ticket to their drama?
Whatever we say, if it isn’t within the strict boundary of their thinking, we will hear things like “That’s not what this is about,” “You’re taking me too literally,” "That's not what I said," and then the going-over again of their “concern” until, they hope, we begin to commiserate along their lines.
And when we don’t say what they hope to hear, in order to end the “going over it again,” we literally have to interrupt and change the subject or end the conversation entirely.
When we hang up or walk away from such conversations, we find ourselves asking, “What just happened?”
And when the other person hangs up or walks away, they are often frustrated and angry in our refusal to tow their line. They then immediately turn their interaction with us into yet another complaint that they can then get on the horn and lament and exaggerate about to others.
I found a great definition of this behavior on the internet that sums it up perfectly:
“Being crisis-prone in relationships means that you’re constantly creating drama with your significant other. People with these tendencies tend to look for arguments just to create diversion or stimulation, or perhaps to allow themselves to come to the rescue when things go wrong.”
We all have someone like this in our life: the phone rings, and we brace ourselves for what is coming: the voice on the other end somberly pontificating how “something needs to be done.” It could be about an aging parent or grandma; their disgust at so and so's wedding invite list (especially if their name isn't on it!); the way so-and-so is raising their kids; the boss who is not crediting their efforts.
In these conversations, we will also most likely at some point be contaminated by any number of maudlin or outrageous fantasies about any number of people’s past, present or future lives.
These folks are rarely intending to actually do anything about the issues they raise. What they usually settle for is just to go on and on, feeling superior in their ability to detect calamity around every corner, and self-important in their endless jabbering about issue after issue.
If they do ever act on their concern, it will be theatrically drawn out due to their heightened but false sense of peril.
When I made the decision several years ago to set boundaries between myself and these Chicken Littles, I did it so that I could first of all stop inciting and engaging in this sort of dialogue myself, and second, so that I could maintain sanity going forward.
Because these folks are notorious in their defensive manipulation of throwing everything back on us when we don’t commiserate, or when we refuse to be an audience for their gossip or their going on and on with no indication they desire a solution, we will never get anywhere, and will most likely make things worse by any attempt to speak logically.
The best way to not lose ourself or our integrity is to respond in ways that will almost always frustrate them but free us of their ongoing attempts to draw us into their melodrama. Once they realize we aren’t biting, they will give up and stop approaching.
1. The minute they bring up a third person not involved in the conversation, I ask whether they have talked this over with that third person. If not, I tell them “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this person, or any person for that matter, behind their back. The respectful thing to do is to talk to the person.”
If they persist in going-on about that person, I acknowledge their concern and again firmly direct them back to discussing their concerns with the third party.
2. I ask questions instead of making statements or suggestions. For every thought they verbalize, I ask, “Who said that?” or “Who suggested that?” or “Where did that come from?” If they answer that nobody said or suggested the thought—that they were just expounding on “what could happen,” I respond with,
“Well, that’s just speculation. The only way to know for sure is to go and talk to the person directly, or go handle the situation directly. If you’d like me to be there when you talk to them (if it involves an aging parent or a grandparent), I’m willing. But until then, I don’t know what to tell you.”
At that point they will attempt to reiterate everything they’ve just said (because when we say these things they don’t feel heard). They may then attempt to heighten the importance of what they are saying with further embellishment and exaggerated detail.
3. That’s when I say, again, “I don’t know what to tell you” and change the subject, at which time the small talk quickly gives way to “Goodbye.”
Crisis-prone people are addicted to drama and meddling in other people’s lives the same as an alcoholic is to booze.
Maybe at first we sheepishly have to admit we rather like being drawn into their drama, either because we want to be confided in or because we can’t help wanting to hear the gossip. However, once we’ve allowed ourselves to be party to their behavior, good luck extricating from it.
If we try to “help” or “be there for” crisis-prone individuals in one problem, a litany of new issues is sure to follow and they will not hesitate to increasingly come to us, as we soon find out.
Certainly we can’t always know when someone first reaches out if they are a crisis-prone individual. But after taking their first problem seriously, and then being contacted, shortly after, with the second crisis, we can easily discern that this is going to become a way of life with this individual.
But we can still put on the brakes. After just a few conversations of staying the course (as outlined in the three tips above), the other person will no longer enjoy their conversations with us, and will cease reaching out.
When I enacted boundaries with crisis-prone people, one person complained, “You don’t talk like you used to, you don’t communicate like before.”
I take it as the most wonderful of compliments.
We are under no obligation to submit to these “resounding gongs” and “clanging cymbals” of hand-wringing busybodies and habitual personal whiners.
In our growing maturity and wisdom of God, we have the discernment as to when a conversation is a person’s “here we go again” or when it is a truly serious, rare and sincere problem which we must, and will graciously, give heed to.
Copyright Barb Harwood
No comments:
Post a Comment