This quote from Paul Tournier pretty much sums up the reason why many of us step back--or completely step away from--all, or certain kinds, of interactions with specific individuals. And yes, it also explains why others have sometimes done the same with us.
Tournier writes:
"We must...beware of our reaction of resentment when people turn away from our influence. It is because it has been too oppressive, too possessive, since it has been poisoned by our unconscious will to power. The thirst for power enters without our being aware of it into all our conflicts."
The above quote can also be stated this way:
"We must beware of other people's reactions of resentment when we turn away from their influence because it has been too oppressive, too possessive...."
Most of us have spent time on both sides of this coin.
The Tournier quote perfectly explains the times that I have had to dial it back from people who routinely make it a point to force those around them to see or hear what it is they want others to see or hear (often through their flaunting of their expertise, knowledge, accomplishments, opinions or recent learning).
As Tournier points out, these need-to-influence folks may not even be aware of the possessive and self-promotional motivation that prods them to engage this way.
It is possessive in that they are attempting to impress, and thus, befriend (often in an unhealthily exclusive manner); or it is so that they can take individuals under their wing in a way that allows them the superior upper hand. It is possessive also in the arena of thinking that they can, and must, change people's minds.
It is self-promotional due to a lack of confidence that would enable them to engage more quietly and let others share the floor on equal footing.
The lack that underlies both the need to impress and the need to self-promote is that of affirmation. The less we perceive that we are receiving affirmation from others, the more obnoxiously desperate our attempts become to receive it.
This results in a decidedly one-way relationship--in which one person is so consumed with their side of the relationship--their receiving attention, accolades, credit, compliments, assurances--that it overpowers the two-way of "us.".
These are the most difficult sorts of friendships, dating relationships and acquaintances to extricate one's self from because of the needy nature of the other person: no matter what we say, the hints we send, or the gentle, constructive and well-timed honesty we speak in kindness, it will end badly (many of us have learned this through the hinting, setting of boundaries and speaking honestly!). Our only recourse then is the logical (and, I believe, most compassionate) response of simply, quietly and without fanfare or drama, walking away.
If this is "cancelling," so be it.
It's happened to me and I'm sure it's happened to everyone.
And when I look back at the times I have been "cancelled," I can usually see now how the person was justified, and how I was so needy that it really would have been worse if the person would have confronted me. I am grateful now that the person simply allowed me to figure it out for myself--something I was able to learn better through their albeit at the time hurtful and confusing leaving--than if they had confided their concerns to me only to ignite my defensiveness.
And if I search my heart before God, and find there is nothing I can put my finger on that would reveal why someone no longer wants to be in my company, then I do the compassionate thing and understand that, for whatever reason on their part, they simply can not remain in connection with me. I allow them to do what they feel they must do for their own personal peace, and harbor no grudge or victim-ruminations of blame and animosity. I choose to live in the reality that, sometimes, life is very very difficult--beyond our ability, each one of us, to functionally cope--and I treat them as I would want to be treated: with the respect that allows each of us to go our separate ways in loving, neutral, impartiality.
copyright Barb Harwood
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