Warren Wiersbe has some helpful and encouraging words for those who, though forgiven by God for past failures and mistakes, and though having forgiven others for real or perceived wrongs, still struggle with shaking off the offending psychological hangovers of yesterday:
"To 'forget' in the Bible means no longer to be influenced by or affected by," he writes. "So, 'forgetting those things which are behind'...means that we break the power to the past by living for the future. We cannot change the past but we can change the meaning of the past..."
One of the ways I have "broken the power to the past" so that I can and am living in what I like to call the present-going future is through examining, objectively, the context of individual people and events that for months or years would trouble my peace of mind when I remembered them.
For instance, if it is past interactions with a parent that continues to haunt us, we can stop and think about their upbringing, their perspective, and the reasons they act or say what they do.
We also may notice, as we pull our heads out of our inner sandbox, that we weren't the only ones who were receiving this ill treatment or disfavor. And as sad as that is, it helps us to take those past treatments less personally.
The reasons we discover as the underlying cause for someone's less-than-ideal behavior do not have to make sense to us, and often will not.
But what soon will make sense is found in that "Ah-hah!" moment when it dawns on us, finally, exactly why things are the way they are between ourself and that other person. This occurs through our taking the time to put aside our self-righteousness and hurt so that we can see only them, and see them as they truly are and also how they got there.
This usually results in compassion, and the accepting of a new reality that confirms that we can't change them (the Lord Himself knows we've tried!) but we can change our approach and expectations going forward.
And we can do this, because the past, now revealed in all its transparency, no longer stymies. We have the full picture now; the past--and that person--no longer looks the same to us. It is that difference which brings a stop to our revisiting and regretting that which is now over and done with.
We turn again to Wiersbe for a Biblical example of this very experience:
"There were things in Paul's past that could have been weights to hold him back (1 Tim. 1:12-17), but they became inspirations to speed him ahead. The events did not change, but his understanding of them changed..."
Our perspective transforms because we are no longer looking at all that has transpired from our own viewpoint alone.
And when we not only see, but also accept the other person's perspective--again I emphasize that accepting does not equal condoning or agreeing with--then the perspective we have held all these years regarding that person's treatment of us alters. It becomes an entirely new perspective that says "even though that person should have known better;" "even though that person should have grown up;" "even though that person should (fill in the blank)" we now come to terms that they didn't know better and they didn't grow up and they didn't (fill in the blank).
And now we realize why (because we've looked at the entire context of their life up until now), and we forgive them.
And at the very same time, at least this happened with me, we also forgive ourselves for harboring an internal perspective that couldn't see the actual foundation behind the other person's words and actions.
The result is that now we can heal: from whatever it is or was that the person did, or did not do, that hurt us, and hurt us immensely.
We get it now.
We see the logic that, for them, it might actually be surprising if they weren't the way they are. And so we readily adapt to living in a reality-based attitude, engaging with them in the new paradigm of what is.
Again, we can't change people or what has already transpired. But we certainly can forge a fresh start in how we interact with people in the present through realistic and well-managed expectations.
"Too many Christians," Wiersbe laments, "are shackled by regrets of the past. They are trying to run the race by looking backward!...'The things which are behind' must be set aside and 'the things which are before' must take their place."
Which brings me to a final thought: the attention I gave to these past nemeses, or recurring conflicts, or repeated misunderstandings was way out of proportion to their actual importance in my life relative to the positive experiences such as God's growing of faith, motherhood, marriage, creative endeavors, and all of the people with whom I share daily life in joyful simpatico (each person can fill in the blank as to their own specific blessings and positives).
These are the things and people--current and future--no longer elbowed by fruitless goings-over in my mind of what has been.
This life, these people, fully fill in where the past, now dealt with, leaves off. I choose to live in this present completeness, at liberty now to go forth in God's gracious cleansing of all offense--mine, and that of others.
copyright Barb Harwood
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