Defensiveness

 

Show me a defensive person and I believe I will be seeing someone who is either not feeling affirmed, or is terrified of being taken advantage of. 

In the first case, the feeling of not—or never—being affirmed is sometimes apparent to no-one except the defensive person themselves because it exists only within their mind. Even though they are affirmed and have been affirmed, for whatever reason, they miss it, misconstrue it, or latch onto a co-existing negative that eliminates any affirmation getting through.

Other times, sadly, they are, indeed, not affirmed, especially by the people most important to them. And instead of examining why this may be—either they have a flaw that needs addressing, or the other person lacks an ability to affirm—they take it personally. In blaming themselves for each and every response and reaction they receive, a hard shell of resentment and self-protection grows, resulting in easy and automatic defensiveness.

In the other case, that of the fear of being taken advantage of, the person consistently has been taken advantage of in life—commonly due to their amiable and innocent personality and disposition, birth order, or meek following of socially imposed “polite and obedience rules” (in the church, simplistic and one-sided “teachings” on submission). 

Now, some folks have a dominantly sensitive disposition, just as some other folks have a hyper-assertive, aggressive disposition—neither of which is a positive, and so the sensitive are often manipulated, mowed down or belittled by the more forceful types. This creates a sense of insecurity and thus, a fear of being taken advantage of, which exposes itself in a shoot from the hip defensiveness.

Even when the sensitive become aware of their knack of being an easy target for others to throw their rude darts of subtle digs, or being milquetoast when around louder and more charismatic members of the social and familial hierarchy, they often cannot change this deeply set pattern of allowing others to undermine, disrespect or walk all over them (or to stop imagining it more than it actually occurs, or enlarging it in significance when it does).

I know, because this was me. 

The only way I have been able to lessen the effect and impact of others upon myself has been to gain confidence in who I am and whose I am. And who I am is a child of God, and whose I am is His. It took years, and the refinement is ongoing. 

But when we detach and extricate ourselves from the thinking that other people own, steer, dominate or identify us—we can, as God brings us forth into continual new birth through Christ, grow in the knowledge and love of Father, Son and Holy Spirit, which at the same time locates us increasingly in the knowledge and love of ourself, and others. 

This knowing of who I am and whose I am is the essential factor in giving God permission to guide, develop, affirm, respect and identify me. 

Once we become comfortable shedding self-protective measures, instead of feeling vulnerable and exposed, we are strong in grace and God’s accompaniment. 

And other people, when we expand our understanding of them and their context, and that they, too, are fallen, no longer scare us. They may still frustrate us at times, but to a lesser and lesser degree, and eventually to where we may not even notice.

This gaining of joy through inner stability and peace with God through Christ’s new Spirit within is what will reduce and eliminate defensiveness—and it’s twin, offense—because we have accepted, trusted and prioritized God’s affirmation and equipping. 

This enables us to assert in grace when called for, remain quiet in wisdom when called for (and I believe it is called for far more frequently than we think), and then move on from any past, present or future intended or unintended slights or deep hurts from others (along with those imagined in a weakened, feeling-threatened state). 

Copyright Barb Harwood