Early Grief

Grief is something not always experienced at the time of physical loss. Often it happens years earlier, in a single moment, or more subtly—in increments—over months drawn out into decades.

When grief is located earlier on the timeline of death, it is usually because the reality of a relationship with another person, or the behavior of that person, has been able to be put into proper context, allowing an emotional working—through which leads to a realistic acceptance. 

In this, the grieving person frequently finds peace with the other person, and with themselves, that otherwise would never have happened.

That is because this early grief, as I like to call it, frees the grieving person, finally, from wishing and hoping.

When a relationship or person can be truly and unequivocally accepted as never going to change, grief can, and does, usually follow at some point (anger or other emotions may precede grief, and as those are worked through, then grief can flow). 

This acceptance ends the never-ending cycle of getting one’s hopes up only to have them dashed once again.

Acceptance brings wishing to a stop as well, because the grief of dreams not panning out is essentially what acknowledges that the dream is dead, and in fact, was a dead dream all along (in spite of many efforts by the grieving person over the years to make it come true). 

To better illustrate this, we can take the example of an alcoholic parent, for whom everything was tried to assist them towards, and support them in, sobriety, to no avail. Once honest and sincere acceptance that this person is not going to change, or respond to anyone’s efforts and love, occurs, we can and most likely will, have no other response but to grieve. 

It’s what the world calls “reality sinking in.”

The grief experienced in this situation is for the admitting that there is nothing more one can do for the parent’s alcoholism, but it is also for the lost relationship that could have been but never was (or was once, and lost to drinking). 

And it is also for the life the parent has lost to their own drinking.

One may also grieve over no longer holding out any hope, which has, in the past, provided some semblance of comfort, along with the delusion of, “If we could just find the right answer (or pray hard enough), we could control the situation."

It isn’t that we give up and call it quits once reality, and healthy grief, takes place. 

Certainly if the alcoholic rallies and begins steps to recovery, one can—making sure to manage expectations—be there for the person. 

It is more a matter of attitude and perspective. 

Once the grieving person has found closure in the situation being what it is, they are always open to the alcoholic’s recovery, but not expecting it. 

Having grieved, they move on in peace that, when and if the time comes for the parent’s sobriety, the son or daughter will be in a much better place to maintain an objective, and cautious approach and response—made all the easier by the fact that they have already grieved. Any emotions—and delusional dreaming—that recur will be much easier to keep in check.

So when the day comes that the alcoholic passes from this earth, and some of those related to them do not appear to be in grief, it is because the grief the onlookers are expecting to see has taken place months, years, or even decades before. 

I used an alcoholic as an obvious example. But this process applies to a variety of every day relationships and situations, the details of which are unique to each and every person, mind and heart. 

I believe the stereotypical measure of grief, based on how much emotional output is exerted at a funeral, or even in the last years or days of a loved one, is a misread.

Early grief is just as much grief as present, sudden, “at-the-funeral” grief, and is also expressed through tears and anguish—most likely when nobody was around to notice, and occurring long before a deceased’s heart stopped beating.

Copyright Barb Harwood

Opinionating

Merriam-Webster dictionary states that the word “opinionate” is “obsolete.” 

But before it was deemed  “obsolete,” the word meant “grounded on opinion; “lacking firm factual basis.”

So, I ask, why in the world has Merriam-Webster declared the word “opiniate” obsolete when it has been, increasingly so, many folks’ very pastime?

Granted, there is such a thing as a doctor’s experienced opinion, or a court-judge’s legal opinion. I’m not talking about that here.

I’m zeroing in on the opinionating, specifically, about another person or persons, and that to opinionate in this manner is to gossip. 

Merriam-Webster defines gossip as “a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others.” 

Now, Merriam-Webster has further definitions, but I stop at this one because it is what I run into most often, especially with extended family, who often think that, not only do they have the right as a family member to share another member’s news, but that this sharing is not gossip. 

Therefore, I thank Merriam-Webster profusely for defining what I have understood gossip to be all along: the sharing—especially chronically, of other people’s news, stories, purchases, plans and so forth.

Most “Those Who Think They are in the Know” types are so focused on the fact that they are the bearer of news that they never get around to noticing, or even pausing to consider, how this popping of other people’s balloons, stealing their thunder, or just divulging anything and everything as soon as they get the microphone, might irritate the bejabbers out of people who would prefer that their news, stories and purchases be theirs to do with as they please. Especially when this sharing of “news” undermines other people’s relationships with each other, not to mention that with “Loose Lips."

When a person participates in opinionating about others on a constant basis, they can develop a false understanding of the person being opinionated about (especially if they refuse to actually talk to and interact with the person being discussed). 

The opinionators instead rely upon their own, or other opinionators’ takeaways, and then begin to believe that they truly and honestly know the person being trashed, discussed, lamented over, or “worried” about (the worry being feigned so as to ignite initial, or more, opinionating!). 

In actuality, these conjecturing instigators are usually way off base.

I point this out because I am well acquainted with people who amaze me in their ability to know right from wrong, and to have remarkable compassion and ability to serve wholeheartedly, but are the worst when it comes to needing to be the family, office or neighborhood Town Crier. 

And yet, they would never see themselves as a gossip, because they have a very narrow perception of gossip (the main perception being that it is something only others do!!) 

Their sense of self negates the negative in their own person, while magnifying it in others. 

But you’ll note that their tendency, even if sharing a fact (the details of which they often get wrong) is also to embellish. 

They simply cannot help themselves from stating a “fact” and then adding commentary. 

This opinionating is, in truth, mere speculation, usually motivated by sour grapes, jealousy, anger, resentment, or a sense of personal pride being threatened. 

Insecure people are the most frequent gossips—and remember—gossip includes the sharing of even spot-on facts (if one has permission to share, that is of course different. But the temptation may still exist to opinionate with others after the initial disclosure). 

So, for example, someone purchases a home. In opinionating, the one who was never granted permission to tell this news to others plows ahead with the information anyway, and the wild rumpus of barbs and cutting assumptions behind the home-purchaser’s back begins!:

“They can’t afford it!”

“That house needs soooo much work!!” 

“I don’t know why they would choose to move there!!!” 

And on. And on. And on it goes.

By sharing another’s news, the sharer has now upstaged the other person, and thus, fed their own personal addiction to drama. That, in turn, feeds their unquenchable need to be seen, heard, significant and, most importantly, to be the first and wisest in their fine-sounding opinionating.

But it is gossip, plain and simple. 

And whether it is revealing facts or fictions about people or events, it is not justified, as it so often is, with the obviously and pathetically defensive, “I was just giving my opinion.”

Copyright Barb Harwood

Innocence

Jesus was born, lived, died, rose again and lives, for lost innocence.

For all lost innocence, in all the world.

It is why he sorrowed as he looked out over the people (Matthew 9:36). 

It is why he wept (John 11:35). 

It is why he does not accuse, but responds to all self-righteous accusers that each can begin throwing their opinionated, malevolent stones as soon as they admit they are perfect, and therefore cannot, themselves, be accused of any negative trait or failure (John 8:7). 

It is why he watched, silently, as the New Testament accusers dropped their stones and walked away, their consciences convicted (John 8:9). 

Innocence.

Lost, addressed, overcome in death, and ever available in new life. 

copyright, Barb

Faith: Nothing More.

What is faith absent of talking about it? Of not going to church about it? Of not reading Christian or theology books about it? 

What is faith after all of that? Without all of whatever it once was, and no concern for the potential of what it can or will be?

What is faith if it just is: the quadrant of person and Triune now in simpatico.

What is that faith?

It is the mind that denotes nothing special about itself or what it believes, and goes about its business within that belief, leaving others out of the equation in the sense of what they do or do not believe.

It is personhood fully cognizant of God, His Spirit and Christ, and then doing what life there is to do, and just being.

Faith is the underpinning. 

Beyond that, though faith means the world to me, I don’t make the world mean faith. 

I don’t make the world revolve around my faith. 

My faith revolves my world and evolves it, having melted and oozed out of the fire of its’ very own furnace; years of pursuing truth to what I today know about God and thus, about life, and thus, about myself, and thus, about others. 

And thus, about peace.

Faith now is its own context. Nothing more. 

Copyright Barb Harwood

Conscience

Have you ever been in a conversation where things turn a bit personal or political, and opinions fly that border on defensive righteousness, affirmed by the very telling exclamation point of, 

“Well, whatever, my conscience is clear!”

Really?

Because everything that precedes these words usually wreak of anger, malcontent, unsupported criticism, envy, sour grapes, self-righteousness, or just sheer bravado because some people simply love to hear themselves talk. 

And yet, the person, in the end, claims their conscience is clear!

I chalk, “Well, whatever, my conscience is clear” right up there with, “I’m only human” and, “Nobody’s perfect;” all statements that in the end are a mere shrug of the shoulders to the difficult prospect of actually researching, evaluating, and forming an intellectually and logically supported premise or conclusion. 

Note: conscience is not opinion. 

We say everybody has a conscience, and we say everybody has an opinion, but the two are very different. That’s because opinion can pose, boast, pretend, bluff, bloviate, conjecture, imagine, and speculate, while conscience is the truth. 

So no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves otherwise, our consciences don’t lie.

If we think we are okay in a particular stance towards someone or something, and even pronounce that surety to the world, our conscience, in the quiet of being alone, will take out its needle and pop the bubble of delusion, wishful thinking and/or self-justification. What we do with that burst, “If I think it, it must be so,” is the key. 

And that is where God comes in, at least for me.

That’s because humans can lie to themselves all day long. We can convince ourselves of anything, and even find “proof” to back us up. But if that proof doesn’t withstand the sharp spotlight of our conscience, then it isn’t proof—it’s a prop to continue acting in the little dramatic play we’ve scripted for ourselves.

With God, when my conscience is pricked, I attribute it to Him, and thus look to him as to how to clear things up.

Some great lines from Scripture that model this are

"Create in me a clean heart, O God,

And renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

The feeling of not being true, as revealed by my conscience, is worse than going to God to do the often difficult and unpleasant “what must be done" to arrive at peace and utter contentment regarding whatever it is that’s on my mind.

And since we cannot lie with God, like we can with ourselves and other people (especially subtly), our only recourse is to force ourselves to look objectively at reality (and objectivity is also a gift of God, because He will walk us through each and every illicit or out-of-control emotion, show us how it got there, and how it’s blocking our objectivity. That’s usually enough right there to solve the emotional issue). 

God knows everything, and I know I can’t get anything past Him. Nor do I want to, because living with a needling conscience is a constant reminder, like the due-date on a college term paper, that I have something to do. And that something is non-negotiable.

Getting right with God will align with the conscience that was poking us so that it pokes no more. We can get on with life in newness of integrity, thoughtfulness, humility and authenticity, cherishing an absolute sense of truth which accompanies us.

And if living truth within a brutally honest conscience, instead of clutching each moment in falsity and skewed reality, means going against the grain of a thought-group or “leader” that we have enlisted with, so be it. 

A clear conscience will progress us; an unclear one will only regress.

This is the peace Jesus gives. Not like the world gives. But as He gives.

copyright Barb Harwood

Stop. Don't. Come Back

I posted this about three years ago, and thought I would re-publish it:

Stop. Don't. Come Back

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12).

Every time I read Ephesians 6:12 I am crushed in Spirit at how many times I fall for the dark side. 

Sometimes that dark side poses as an angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14), but not always. 

Sometimes it claims victory by using us as its agents by tapping into our self-righteousness.

Think about it: every time we have “run-ins” with people, ongoing conflict, thorns in our side—be it in the form of individuals, groups, families, political parties, or situations—what has our motivation been? More precisely, what has our motivation which is driving the attitude been?

Look at motivation and we quickly discover why all of the components in the above scenarios become, and often remain, life-long nemeses. 

And oh does society ever make it easy to hit the repeat button in this modus operandi!

In fact, we’ll notice that the general public even desires it from us, because it is how most of them operate too. 

Just take the “high road” some time, and discern the almost resentment-like response of those around. 

Try to defend the person being gossiped about and we will often be met with immediate defensiveness from the person originating the gossip. Initiate the gossip ourself and notice how readily another person joins in on the dump-fest.

Try to keep any conversation positive and we are frequently met with “yeah, but” or “but what about…?” Or the other person may stop talking entirely and we’ll be met with a perpetual chill in all further interactions.

It seems that the pits of animosity, begrudgement, divisiveness, character-assassination, finding fault, and a superiority complex are as prevalent as the potholes in many cities. We’re going along, and suddenly, unbeknownst, wham!, our front end is now out of alignment due to a gaping hole we didn’t see coming. 

It’s the same with spiritual battle.

We will be going about our day, and all of a sudden we are hearing our very own mouth form and speak aloud criticizing words and feel our hearts possessing selfish and partisan attitudes (or we’ll be on the receiving end of such and retaliate in our own inner thought-life). 

Over time, and with cultural acceptance, we get to the place of autopilot, and only when confronted with God’s Word, or a Godly example of God’s Word in action, are we—if we know Christ—convicted (and if we’re on the receiving end, we’ll see the attack for what it really is).

Ephesians 6:12 explains why we let it happen in the first place: because we failed to recognize it as a spiritual battle (whether we are the perpetrator or the receiver: oftentimes, as the receiver, we quickly morph into perpetrator mode via our passionate defense of our self).

Ephesians 6:12 is the “out;” the antidote to spiritual attack which we, in Christ, can control by simply recognizing it for what it is, and committing to not going there. 

It is like the words of Gene Wilder, playing the character of Willy Wonka, when he tells the little boy who is about to embark on a very unwise course of action, “Stop. Don’t. Come back.”

That is what Ephesians 6:12 is telling us. 

The first thing to recognize in order to turn off the auto-pilot on our illicit shooting from the hip is that these interactions, and the motivations behind them, are enlisted to bring the dark powers of this world into play.

Using another movie example, why do so many people like the Star Wars movies? 

Because there is a dark side and a light side. 

Everyone loves the light side in these movies, and sit on the edge of their seats almost yelling at the movie screen for Luke Skywalker to not go to the dark side: 

“Don’t go over to it!” we want to scream.

“Don’t let the dark side win!! Resist it! Tap into the Force! Stay the course!”

It’s right there in front of us in these movies—a constant presence—and we all get it. It’s no big mystery. The battle is clear, and it underlies everything.

But in real life? 

We act like we have no clue. 

We let ourselves grow ignorant and dense toward the dark side—some even saying it doesn’t exist!! 

Some people, bless their souls, say deep down everyone is good. But they are confused: the truth is, if anyone is good at all, it is only because God Himself is the only Good (Mark 10:18; Luke 18:19), and we can have His goodness instilled in us via His Holy Spirit when we believe that Jesus is who Jesus says He is (Luke 13:34-35; John 1:9-13; John 3; John 8:12-47; John 14:16-17; 2 Peter 1; 1 John 5:1-4).

But the dark side still beckons (John 1:5; John 3:19; Acts 26:18; 2 Timothy 2:26; Peter 1:19). 

Certainly Christians are not exempt from temptation (1 Corinthians 10:12-14). 

That is why 1 Peter 5:8-9 says, 

“Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world."

Unlike the Star Wars movies, with their beautifully human-created metaphors for darkness and light, in Scripture darkness and light are not metaphors. They are clearly spelled out: Jesus is light (John 1:1-5; John 3:19-21; John 8:12; John 12:46; Colossians 1:13;) Satan is dark (John 8:44; 2 Corinthians 4:4; Ephesians 2:2; 1 Peter 5:8-9; 1 John 5:19)

With the guidance of the Holy Spirit who reveals all things to us (John 14:26), we come to see Jesus and Satan clearly and are given the warning and wisdom to know the difference, and to respond (not react) as the Christ-followers we are.

The point is, when we miss the reality of darkness--of it lurking like a lion waiting for someone to devour--we fall into its snare and are now the very perpetrators of darkness. 

The Bible warns that if we think we stand, be careful that we don’t fall (Luke 18:9-14; 1 Corinthians 10:12). 

Not to say we cower and become paranoid. No. We go out in confidence that, though evil is surely there, we are at peace in Christ that, since He has overcome it (John 1:5; John 16:33) we in the Spirit can, and will, also (2 Thessalonians 3:3). 

It means carrying Christ’s discernment, not ours, with us, so that we resist the attempts from the rulers, powers and forces of wickedness mentioned in Ephesians 6:12

So, going forward, when we see that infuriating person coming down the hall, that nosy neighbor out walking their dog, that car cutting in front of us, that waitress not performing to our self-righteous standards, that political enemy on television...whoever it is that justifiably or unjustifiably provokes us—instead of seeing a person, neighbor, car, waitress, politician or provocation, we see darkness and wickedness—not in them but in us—in our reaction, in our take-away, in our attitude and our hate. 

We have that “aha!” moment in which we quickly surmise that we are about to be punked by the devil himself. 

Is that what we want? To be a pawn in the pull-strings of darkness?

Do we like seeing Luke Skywalker go to the dark side? No!

So let’s not like it when we go there either. 

The key is to stay in the Light. Jesus is the light. 

If Christ alone is our portion, and we allow His life to rule in us, then we will resist the devil and the devil will flee (James 4:7). 

Copyright Barb Harwood