How Do We Deal With Offense?

How do we deal with having been offended?

Take the log out of our own eye:

“Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” Matthew 7:3

Now, Matthew 7 needs to be read in its entirety, because the verses found in it that talk about judging have often been mis-applied. When we read the entire chapter, we find that not judging and then judging are both allowed. But I’ll save that for another day.

The point I’m getting at here is quite specific: the part about taking the log out of our own eye. 

And we do that by, whenever we take offense, the very next thought being, 

“How have I offended throughout my life?” 

That might sting, but I guarantee it will lessen the pain of another person’s having offended us. 

So, if we are offended that we did not get an invitation to a wedding or other social event, recall how we ourselves have not invited people to certain things. Everyone can’t logically be invited to every party, backyard barbecue and life event. Many variables are at play (including the fact that some people are not party-givers and thus, celebrate more intimately. Extroverts need to check themselves on this point, especially when the introverts in their life have played nicely and attended most of their gatherings. If invitations are expected in reciprocity, then we need to examine why it is exactly that we are hosting an event in the first place). I digress…

Instead of letting offense make us think the worst of people and their motivations, or, by the same token, allow our thinking the worst of people to lead to our automatically taking offense, how about taking a deep breath and remember that life is difficult and complicated for everyone, not just us, and that we would hope people--especially those we call family and close friends, would be able to love us with a fair amount of understanding (and honesty with the person—not backstabbing—when understanding does not come easily). 

Continuing on with some examples:

If we are offended that so-and-so didn’t come to a funeral, recall how we did not attend a funeral in the past.

If we are offended at a short answer from a clerk, billing agent, or person at a party, recall how we, too, at times, have responded curtly due to a bad day, or because of feeling, “I just wasn’t in the mood to run into that person and chat in the store” that we’ve all experienced. Maybe we’re in a hurry, or just want to get home after a long day, or our spouse called and it’s bedlam at home, or we’re downtrodden with a cold, whatever. We just weren’t in the mood; my bad, not yours! (note to self: stop taking everything personally!)

If we are offended at a mistake that a niece, nephew, or offspring has made, recall the mistake (more likely mistakes, plural) we ourselves have made, especially when young and naive.

If we are offended by gossip about us, recall how we have gossiped.

If we are offended by rules that stymie us and the people who carry out those rules, recall how we, too, have a job that we have to do in order to not get fired, and that this offending person, just like us, is simply doing their job. 

If we are offended by paying someone what we think an exorbitant price for something, recall that we, too, earn a paycheck, albeit perhaps in a corporate or office setting, and that, just like us, this entrepreneur must charge money for their expertise and service, and the fact that they are painting our house or cleaning our gutters is beside the point. They are making a living and providing an essential service, just as we are.

If we are offended by politicians doing a “lousy” job, recall the times we’ve been in places of leadership, or have served on a committee, and the headache of making everyone happy all of the time and how excruciatingly frustrating it is, and how we had to work with the team to arrive at a consensus that we would have preferred not to arrive at. If it was difficult for us, it is just as difficult for them.

Getting the picture?

We as a society, and as individuals, have mastered, and continue to refine, the very ugly art of nursing wounds, never forgiving, white-knuckle holding to labels (Democrat, Republican, for example), never forgetting even the smallest infraction...in short: sitting on our high horse of self-righteousness to the point that we are so above everybody that the only way anyone can touch us is through offense. 

Entrepreneur and owner of the Dallas Mavericks Mark Cuban two days ago made a beautiful point when he said, 

“One of the most underrated skills in business right now is being nice.” 

Matthew 5:38-48 explains how we can be nice in spite of offense (and again, we need to really dig deep to discern whether the offense was intentional, or whether we might have misunderstood). 

Turning the other cheek doesn’t mean the offense didn’t happen. 

It means we are able to let it go in forgiveness by remembering we, too, have offended. 

If the offense is the kind that is dangerous to the point of mental manipulation and character assassination, or physical harm, then certainly one puts distance between one’s self and the other person (again, vowing ourselves not to be “that guy”). 

But even then, forgiveness through recalling our own log in our own selves is the way to eradicate hanging on to that person’s offense. We need to let their offense go so they-- and what they’ve done to us--doesn’t continue to haunt us. Just as the Lord has compassion on us in our sin, we can have compassion on other’s in their sin, even while keeping ourselves at a distance. 

Mark Cuban went on to say, 

“I went through my own metamorphosis, if you will. Early on in my career, I was like bam, bam, bam, bam, bam—I might curse. I might get mad. And then I just got to the point—I wouldn’t have wanted to do business with me when I was in my 20’s.”

What a lovely confession!

It’s never too late to turn the other cheek as an attitude and response. 

Certainly we acknowledge another person’s apology and listen to another person’s confession and don’t just say, “Oh, don’t worry about it.” I do believe it is imperative to all involved to allow a repentant person to say they are sorry and to confess whatever it is on their heart, regardless of what we think about it. And then we can listen to and acknowledge—not deny—their words and verbalize our forgiveness now, and going forward. 

If we are the person turning over a new leaf and, like Cuban, rescinding our animosity and self-protective, self-centered motives, and attempting to forge a new path in current relationships, don’t expect others to jump on board. They might be, and quite likely are, still caught up in a pattern of taking offense. And if we are someone they have taken offense at in the past, their hearts may be hardened against us, in spite of our expressing our love for and to them. That’s okay. 

The main thing is to keep removing the log from our own heart and mind and celebrate the inner healing we are experiencing from the sin of past offenses (other's and ours) and continuing forth with the mind of Christ, free from the bondage of perpetual offense.

copyright Barb Harwood

“But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised. But he who is spiritual appraises all things, yet he himself is appraised by no one. For WHO HAS KNOWN THE MIND OF THE LORD, THAT HE WILL INSTRUCT HIM? But we have the mind of Christ.” 1 Corinthians 2:14-16