We have come to a point in time where the uncritical liking of one’s self is, in the words of Bob Dylan, a “disease of conceit:”
Go on BrainyQuotes.com and you will see platitudinal quotes ad nauseam on overcoming, ignoring, strong-arming, and the outright killing of inner personal doubt.
Ironically, doubt about almost everything else is allowed, but never about oneself.
Isn’t that odd? Why is inner doubt the unforgivable sin of secular humanism?
Why is self-doubt the thing to be avoided at all costs?
Why is it to be shunned, eradicated, beaten, conquered, overthrown and pummeled into complete oblivion?
Because inner doubt—the doubt that convicts, discerns, sheds light on, creates insight, and brings perspective, usually takes our mind off of ourselves and re-directs it towards other people and the wider circle of circumstances in which we may find ourselves. In short, it breeds empathy, the ability to see another’s point of view, cooperation, and lo and behold, perhaps even an admission that we were wrong, (which would then require an apology)! We can’t have that, now, can we (says the earthly power that prowls this dark and fallen world).
And thus, that glorious momentary clarity of self-doubt is quickly gobbled up, like Pac Man eating his way through the maze, in order that we can quickly “recover” back to our self-centered, selfish, ego-centric selves where we talk our minds into believing that we are right after all and we have all the answers. That we actually didn’t do, say or think anything amiss. It was stupid to even think so.
If people are unable to squash self-doubt through such delusional, “positive” self talk, then their next course of action is to turn to gambling, drugs, sex, shopping, drinking, television (Binge Watching has become quite the pastime), obsessive exercise or a preoccupation with every morsel we put into our bodies.
All of it is intended to keep the mind from going to where the Devil doesn’t want it to go: to loathing, distrust, skepticism and, ultimately, contrition within and about one’s self.
Of course, C. S. Lewis describes this brilliantly and humorously in his book, The Screwtape Letters.
And to return to Dylan’s song, it doesn’t end well for folks:
“There’s a whole lot of people in trouble tonight from the disease of conceit
Whole lot of people seeing trouble tonight from the disease of conceit
Give you delusions of grandeur and an evil eye
Give you the idea that you’re too good to die
Then they bury you from head to your feet
From the disease of conceit.”
The battle for souls is fought first and foremost within the confines of this strong and stubborn self-will that has been raised, at least in my experience, to believe that the self is the greatest thing and is to be protected, coddled and mollified at all costs.
In this dysfunctional wolrdview, the self is incapable of being at fault: we must over-ride any notions of being less-than. And we do this through grandiose self-talk and the application of the tenets of the socially constructed esteem movement that demands—insists—that we are, have been and always will be fine, just the way we are.
And yet, in the early morning quiet of daybreak, along with the sun, doubt also rises.
Or, as we lay awake at night thinking and re-thinking our actions, words, and attitudes, and we are filled with misgivings about how we handled something, or about our perspective, or about contentment with ourselves, and needled to the point of mental exhaustion yet without the rescue of sleep, doubt at these times cannot so easily be swept under the rug.
In this way, self-doubt is our very ticket out of self-will and into free will: the free will of Christ alone. But first we have to stop hardening our hearts and minds against what God is telling us through our doubt about ourselves.
With Christ, we obtain the freedom to finally gain the victory and redemption over ourselves that, ironically, is also a mantra of humanism. Go figure. First humanism wants us to love ourselves by casting out all doubt about ourselves, but then, in the very next breath they are saying that we need to be better and stronger, redeeming ourselves at every turn (ever watch the Olympics? Count how many times the commentators use the word “redemption.”).
But it is all, as the rock song goes, “dust in the wind” because as long as self-will is driving the bus, the self will never be content because the self will always carry within itself the doubt that can never be redeemed by self! It’s impossible.
And the evidence is all around us.
Only when I came to the end of myself—and born again Christians will all attest to this—was my doubt finally allowed to reign in me unhindered. That’s when the doubt within put me on the road to redemption by forcing me to willingly face into the following realized truths:
If I’m so great, why does my life feel like such a failure?
I don’t, after all, have all the answers.
I am not a good person.
I am not a nice person.
I am not content.
I am not getting along with everyone “just fine.”
I am not getting along with myself “just fine.”
I am not “just fine.”
When we refuse to authorize permission to the culture or our selves to assuage our inner doubt, and instead tackle it head on, we begin to experience the victory and redemption that is available in and through Jesus Christ alone.
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
We must not only see, but acknowledge and agree with the truth about ourselves.
And the secure way to do that, the way that leads to ultimate maturity, integrity and other-centeredness—the only way to do that—is through Christ.
He will guide us through the process, every step of the way. He will not leave us as orphans (John 14:18).
Only with Him will we be able to face the horror of our inner selves and not be crushed by that revelation.
Only with Him will we come to see the gunk inside of us that we had been trying to tell ourselves wasn’t there.
Only with Him will we come to see that gunk for what it is, sin, and ourselves for what we are, sinners.
Only with Him will we understand that the answer to that sin is Jesus Christ.
He is the only way out of ourselves. He is the “get out of jail free” card.
But first we must admit and concede that we are in a jail.
And then we must admit and concede that the jail is self.
And then we must admit and concede that we don’t want to be in jail anymore.
And then we must admit and concede that we have been living lives with the sole purpose of distracting ourselves from our true sinful condition.
And then we must admit and concede that we can’t do anything about our true condition.
And then we must admit and concede that there is One Who Can: Jesus.
Insecurity and self-loathing are never going to go away on their own. I mean, let’s just name the elephant in the room: until Christ enters in, we can’t stand ourselves! (In spite of the motivational posters, self-esteem Facebook quotes, good karma vibes and chakras emanating, apparently, throughout the stratosphere and able to be corralled by well meaning but sadly misinformed friends that would have us believe otherwise).
It’s when we get to the point of herculean honesty, to taking 100% ownership over what we’ve known to be true all along but tried to run from with lies—the truth that we need to, and in fact, want to, come to the end of ourself, that God Himself is opening His door to Christ.
copyright Barb Harwood
“He who has ears to hear, let him hear.” Matthew 11:15
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