In my last post, I looked at some of the reasons we find it difficult to forgive.
Today I will close out this series by taking a look at the benefits of forgiveness.
For me, freedom from un-forgiveness arrived in fits and starts. But I, together with God, kept at it, chiseling away at its underlying motivations.
God, in His love, when I allowed Him to—through many revelations in our time together— relieved me of the drudgery of seeing myself and my world in the context of wrongs, less-than-ideal influences and past unfair treatments (be they perceived or real).
Throughout the last twenty years, like the “going on a bear hunt" of the children’s story, we did not go around, over, or under my un-forgiveness. We took no short-cuts.
We went straight through.
And now, on the other side of that hellish existence of un-forgiveness, I am free.
What is it like, on this, the “other” side?
It’s a new and glorious life of asserting one’s self in a manner of integrity so as to nip issues and misunderstandings in the bud, and managing expectations.
It’s knowing assertion’s opposite, silence, with an aim to understand the other person.
It’s knowing when to "live and let live" (the quote about not majoring in the minors comes to mind).
It means having the confidence to live out the person I am today, no longer worried about meeting other people's expectations of who I was in the past, or who I ought to be today.
It’s being so comfortable in my own skin that the thought of pretending to be someone I’m not seems foreign and silly.
I’ve learned the necessity of context: mine and other people’s.
Through God’s affirmation and the tackling of my fears, I’ve overcome apprehension and timidity in setting healthy boundaries—even if those boundaries do not sit well with others.
I’ve learned that if someone brings up a potentially explosive topic, they logically ought to be prepared for opposing viewpoints from those they are in conversation with, and not assume everyone will see it their way. In these situations, I’ve found it beneficial to not engage if it seems clear that the other person does not really want to hear or consider my thoughts on the subject.
If pressed to give an opinion, I am learning, through practice, to speak calmly and respectfully, in as few words as possible. If the other person is not receptive to my words—or even becomes angry or perturbed—I take no offense because it is they who originated the topic. I now understand their discomfiture as merely their inability to hear an opposing or differing viewpoint, and I let it go. I no longer take ownership of the incident, which in the past had only turned it into my problem or my conflict, breeding ill-will.
By refusing to take on the responsibility for someone else’s self-incurred disappointment, I can walk away in a very clear, and quite cheerful, conscience. Un-forgiveness, on my part, never gets a chance to foment.
That’s half the battle, then, isn’t it? Preventing our being offended, angered, and frustrated in the first place!
When we are respectfully assertive we also no longer resent or become mad at others for “making” us (or trying to make us) capitulate to, condone or even accept for ourselves their value system or perspective.
Again, as I said before, even if we do speak up, and are not respectfully received, we don’t turn their inability to have a mature exchange of ideas into our problem. Because, to be frank, it isn’t our problem, it is their problem. We can decide how much we want to be around these types going forward, but we can do that pragmatically and with compassion for their lack.
That is what setting healthy boundaries is all about. And a healthy boundary is one in which, if it truly is healthy, will keep seething, ruminating animosity towards others, out.
Not forgiving people for how they think and what they believe—even if they buy-into outright lies or rely on shallow reasoning—doesn’t change their minds or their stance. It only affects our mood, gets under our skin and creates negativity within us.
It also prevents a focus on what we may have in common with the other person (finding mutual ground and shared experiences, interests or hobbies is especially helpful with family members with whom we will continue to have to gather, no matter how healthy a boundary we set).
Ultimately, what I love most about living in forgiveness, is that I’ve become acquainted with joy. I feel like a kid again; life is fun, and the world and people in it no longer pose a threat.
In short, I know that I have hurt people.
To never forgive, I believe, is to naively think that we’ve never offended, never hurt, never stepped out of line.
But we have.
Un-forgiveness accomplishes nothing but to wreak a downcast spirit within ourselves that touches all of life. The more we maintain a chip on our shoulder, and the tighter an underlying grievance grabs hold of us, the more we will greet each day in a jaded, sarcastic, and critical manner.
And while our life is souring from the bad grapes within, staining everything and everyone we encounter, we are having no impact whatsoever on the person or entity we cannot or will not forgive.
If we think our not forgiving someone for their egregious mindset is solving anything, well, is it?
What, exactly, has it solved?
On the other hand, what if an attitude of forgiveness does have an impact—on us, if not the other person?
What if it changes every aspect of our daily life, regardless of all that remains unresolved?
What if a sincere agreement with God regarding forgiveness brings a longed-for freedom from self-disturbance—to that place forged in the confidence to go where we have never gone before, with God’s assurance that we will, indeed, land in a better place.
What if?
If only we will take that first step.
Copyright Barb Harwood
